Healing Wounds

An untreated wound of any kind is often the underlying cause of a lot of unnecessary suffering. Injuries can often cause us to shy away from seizing opportunities that have great potential, or completely turn away from trying anything new and for the first time. Strange considering how our ancestors likely never had 2 days that were similar in any way.

Untreated wounds may heal on their own, then again, they may fester, get worse and cause more pain than they should've in the first place.Wounds, physical or otherwise, can be a cause for concern. But the general idea of how to deal with one is that it'll be treated. And treated correctly. Sadly, we don't always do what we're supposed to.

A lot of the time we tend to ignore the little things, the smaller injuries, we tell ourselves that it's okay and that it'll take care of itself over time. And over time, we start to treat bigger problems the same way too.

Now, I may not be a medical doctor, or a trained psychologist. But sometimes I do feel like I have had enough experience with pain to have an opinion on what one might do. Perhaps someone that reads this will find some use for the information gathered from my decisions.

Its gotten to a point where I understand why treating injuries and wounds, physical or non-physical, is important and mustn't be taken for granted. I'd leave a little infected papercut to fester long enough that the entire arm needs to be amputated instead of just getting a band aid and some antiseptics and then maybe medication if it didn't help.

The point I'm trying to make is that a wound left untreated can, and will cause so much more pain than its supposed to.

But one that is treated properly and with the right care will heal, and the scars it leaves behind will fade. 

A Mirror

Children are often a reflection of the grownups around them. They don't always take our advice or listen to what they're told to do (or not do). But they do follow the examples set for them.

I sometimes get nervous around young children. Having none of my own and not knowing if I'd be setting a decent example for them. I've felt like being a responsible adult is easier around other adults than it is when being around the littlest children.

I Recently spoke with this toddler and something happened that I can't say I've ever felt before. My heart melted like butter in a hot pan. It felt like a bear imprinting on a young cub. 

I know now that I must do everything I can to make this world a better place. Make sure that theres something good to look forward to and that there still is wonder in this world for when they're grown up. 

It may not be in my story that I have little ones of my own. But if I did I'd try and have them be as carefree, happy and beautiful as this little munchkin. I see that there's been a good example set for them. And I'm not surprised, I've known the tree that this apples fallen from for more than half my life. 

You and I haven't met yet little one. But when we do I hope that I'm able to set the right examples for you. Until then, I pray for you to always have that twinkle in your eye. 

A sky of gold

We have an interesting perception of the sky, don't we? We've heard phrases like, "The Sky's the limit". But there's Oh so much more beyond the sky. So much that the sheer scale is simply incomprehensible to most of us

When we're asked what color the sky is we say, "It's Blue". But that's not entirely true now, is it?

The sky is Blue, But it's also dark, And usually, about twice a day it's what I find most similar to gold.

And even the dark night sky isn't really dark, just clear so we can see what's beyond the limits of the sky.

Perhaps the sky is the aptest example of the fact that there isn't really a limit. Always just room for growth, and improvement, to push further and travel farther. 

And that despite what popular opinion might state, that there are always endless possibilities. I suppose this applies to us individually and in society. 

Even those times of the day when the sky turns to gold. Even that, is special, A sign of change. Like curtains being drawn at the beginning and end of each show. thousands if not millions flock to sunrise and sunset points to catch that glimpse of the sun when it feels like it's not hell-bent on scorching the earth. 

A gold sky has captured imaginations and been romanticized for millennia. and will be for many more. And even if it all is still just an illusion that's alright. One day we'll break free and explore frontiers most of our ancestors didn't know existed. 

All I ask is that just like we recognize that the sky is not the limit and that we should at least dare to reach for the stars, However outlandish it may seem. Because you never know. 

Prisoner of my past

 What is it about the past that seems to hold me tied to it? It's as if I'm being held captive, a prisoner in my own mind.

It's been better recently for sure. I feel this sense of freedom. This fog I'm in the midst of is more like home. No longer do I cower at the thought of the dangers that lie within. Now I enjoy the fog. taking the few steps ahead. Watch my pace so I don't end up running myself off the road, for there's only so much ahead that I can see.

It's better this way. The future is uncertain. always has been. Only now have I learned that my only responsibility is to do things right, and to do the right things. for myself and for those that I hold dear.

One day I hope to bring to you all the broken pieces of me. To tell you all the stories, all the secrets of each piece and each cracked pane.

Maybe some of this has been penance for a past life or perhaps even for a future one. 

Everyone goes through something that changes us. Of course, this may be to varying degrees and it may be in different directions. Sometimes, especially if it's one of those things that feels like something's snapped on the inside. We talk about it, seek help and over time, move on while living with it. 

If only I'd learned this earlier.

I wish I'd learned that it's not just the heartbreak that causes pain. But more so the aftermath. Like mourning a loved one. Only, unlike in the event of their passing, we have this hope that the hundreds of questions spinning around like a tornado have to be answered. That we deserve "closure".

I know now that all this only anchors us in place. And if you're a sailboat like me, being anchored at sea. with not the slightest hint of a breeze isn't the best solution to the problem of running out of potable water.

With all that I carry around, I'm still sure that I'm headed the right way. I have my sight set on that distant snowcapped mountain, the summit hidden by dense fog. And although the climb may be backbreaking. I'm sure it'll be worth it all. 

The air will be clearer, and the noises will have faded away, And the view... What I would give to be able to set eyes on you.

Break the Cycle

 I've always tried to apply logic in everyday life. Of course, I'd ignore what the logic dictated my decision should be. Instead, ignoring red flags and seeing things, situations, and people with the, "I'll fix it" attitude.

Time and hindsight have taught me that the world owes me nothing. And that my role on this blue marble we call home, is to live my life, and mine alone. 

Over the past few years I'd come to believe that even IF I'd made it out of the hellhole I'd dug myself into, I'd probably end up having to go through the rest of my days by myself. Unable to trust another human being and unwilling to try. 

Making just a few minor changes has given me enough breathing room to be able to actually pay attention to what's around me. To see people for what they are unlike how I'd earlier have handled things, Not allow myself to romanticize every conversation. 

Let's be honest for a minute. Very rarely do we come across a person that we truly need. Often we tell ourselves that's the case, Only to find out that we were barely a footnote. Sometimes after a few weeks, and sometimes after years of pouring every ounce of love, respect, and affection into maintaining a healthy relationship.

I fail to understand how an individual can watch another go through so much debilitating pain and still subject them to more. How are we not more aware or even just a tiny bit more mindful? Why don't we ever see how being in their shoes would've annihilated us ages ago?

It boggles my mind because we often hear people talk about kindness and not spreading hate and being nice. And if memory serves me right, we were taught to see the good in everyone. But sometimes I wonder if there even is such a thing.

There has to be a way, Some way to break this endless loop. Now, I'm not claiming that life should be like a bed of roses. But maybe, just maybe, it can be a little better for us all.

To No One

 For the best part of the last 15 years, I've been a typical young adult. Making mistakes, getting into more trouble than I should, and having my heart broken, all on multiple occasions.

I talked recently about how until only a few months ago I couldn't have seen myself try any harder to move on from the agonizing pain I'd been feeling. And although I might, in some way want to attribute that pain to other people, I now think that there's no point. because at the end of it all, it's My life, and my choices and decisions should dictate what happens next.

It doesn't matter who left, who said what, or who did what. What matters more is how I handled it, accepted it, and moved forward with my life.

And I can tell you now, that I didn't deal with any of it very well. In fact, I didn't deal with it at all.

I just let it all stew in a giant pot waiting for it to boil over or just dissolve me in my entirety. If anyone out there reading this can relate. Seek help. reach out to the people who will listen and who are willing to help.

I made the mistake of hanging on to all of it till it overwhelmed me, and then confided in what I'd now say was the absolute worst set of people I could've gone to.

After all this, there were the constant second-guessing, anxiety, and feelings of dread. The degree to which one feels loneliness is in itself heartbreaking. 

I trusted no one, and yet I kept looking for answers, seeking validation.

I say all this now because Although I'm aware that my struggles are not done with, not by a long shot. I now see a light at the end of the tunnel. And honestly, I don't care if it's daylight or a train. I'm getting out.

I say this now because I will find the strength again to take a few risks, learn more, and truly live life. And that I'll fall in love with my best friend, again. but this time it'll be better. because I've seen how I needed to work on myself first in order to be able to give more to another. 

And over the past decade I've realised that from that first day onwards, I will give her my all, Love her like she deserves to be loved, and not let any of my struggles get in the way of building an empire together.

The better question

Sometimes I wonder what the point of all this is. 

I mean why search for purpose in this world? why bother? that too in a world that seems more chaotic and cruel than ever, at least in the past few decades. What's the point?

Only in the recent past have I discovered that it's not necessarily about finding purpose, but perhaps, the question we should be asking ourselves, is are we living our lives? And I mean truly Living it.

Not confined by restrictions and rules imposed on us by those around us, excluding the rule of law, of course. And free to decide what defines a better quality of life for us 

Years in the making

It's been a while since I've been on here. To tell any kind of story. I'm not even sure there's anyone listening at this point. Not that it was the reason I started. 

Expressing emotions, thoughts, and just plain talking about what's on my mind has always been something I've struggled with. And boy has it been a struggle. A great support system is a luxury and even just one person being around or at least choosing to be there when you need them is, sadly, not guaranteed, not by any means.

 A little over Eleven years ago, I was inspired to start writing things down. a journal, blog, call it whatever you want. Now I may not be as eloquent or articulate as I once was. and quite frankly, I may not even have the zest and zeal of a man over a decade younger. 

But in this time, A lot has happened, as I'm sure is the norm. Things change, Where we live may change, people enter and leave our lives- some sadly lost to illness, some to circumstance, and some just drift apart. either way, change seems to be the norm.

In all this time, Through every roadblock, heartbreak, Illness, and injury, I seem to have learned that there's more to life than what we seek. And yet it's all just simpler than I'd thought it would be. 

Through all those times I've had a handful of people around for it all. And one, maybe two that stand out. I genuinely do owe my sanity to them. If only things were a little different. And circumstances didn't add to the distance.

Maybe in another lifetime I've often thought. Now I think, perhaps, there's time in this one. 

Unsaid

 Too many times, I've chosen to leave things unsaid. Whether it was heartbreak or when feeling butterflies in my stomach. Too much has been left unsaid and fear has always kept me from even trying in the first place.

We're taught as younglings that kindness, generosity, empathy, etc. are virtues and morals that we must hold dear. That these are principles to live by. And yet, I look around and see that this world seems to barely give a crap. And the few half-decent human beings still trudging through the mud and filth are usually beaten down to within an inch of breaking point.

I used to wonder what it would be like if we were just a little bit kinder, to nature, each other, and the thousands if not millions of species of flora and fauna we share this blue marble with. Hell even being mindful would've sufficed.

Then a little while ago, when in a dark place I let myself think that there's no point, That this world is doomed and so is everyone in it. That our children will inherit a planet beyond repair and their children most likely will have nothing but piles of rubble to call home.

Honestly, I'd given up. And I didn't believe that recovering from such heartbreak was ever possible. Until that is, I heard a voice. A voice, that's been there all along, for longer than I can remember, egging me on. To take just one more step, To wake up in the morning to see just one more day. and then repeat the process till the pain starts to fade.

Of course, the pain is still there, but it doesn't take center stage in my life anymore. And unlike earlier, it likely won't ever again. 

Over the years I've learned that life teaches us lessons. That we can learn from in order to be better human beings. But that only happens as long as we're living life, and not merely spectating as it passes us by. 

I've learned that it's okay to hurt, for a while. And that it's okay, probably imperative, that we learn to let go. Only then can we make way for something new. Something worth fighting for. Something that cannot be left unsaid.

I say these things as a man who until recently was but a hollow shell of a man that was once fascinated by the world, who trusted in people, and knew how to love unconditionally. A man who broke and lost faith in all those principles he had believed in. A man in chronic pain.

Today though, I stand taller, stronger, and perhaps even sharper than ever. 

I admit, There's no way to tell how the next chapter of this story will go. The point is that there IS a next chapter.  And this time, I'd rather not leave anything unsaid.

Dear Fellow Men

Today I'm Angry. not like I'm not usually angry on a regular tuesday. Let me give you some context.

I did something unusual today. for someone who has trouble sleeping. I took a nap late in the evening. A little after that, say in 15 minutes of scrolling through Instagram and I was furious, Like my blood was boiling to the point it felt like my eyes would pop. Fifteen Minutes and no less than 4 different reports of violence against women.

My question to my fellow men out there is what the hell happened?

How did we go from being little mommas boys and following our mums around like puppies to talking down to them when they tell us they're worried for us?

How did we go from being little kids who wanted to grow up to be our favourite superheroes to actually growing up to be, well for lack of a better word, monsters?

Who taught you that it's okay to catcall a woman who's minding her own business and just walking down the street, in broad daylight no less?  

Who gave you the authority to tell your wife or daughter or girlfriend that she was verbally or sexually assaulted because of something SHE did or said or because she drinks or smokes or of the way she was dressed?

I ask because I don't remember being told that it was okay to behave this way. Not at home, definitely not at the schools I went to and it's most certainly not how the friends I grew up with think or behave.

Yes we live in a society that's been patriarchal since forever. We've been discussing equality on the bases of cast, creed, colour, sex, sexual orientation and god knows what else for decades now. And STILL it only feels like we're becoming worse. 

How is it that we as men can walk around at all times of the night, whether in groups or even by ourselves and be okay with the fact that we tell our wives, girlfriends, sisters and female friends that it's NOT safe and they shouldn't be out by themselves. 

I agree though. It isn't safe. But neither is riding a motorcycle or raising a rottweiler without proper training. But we do those things anyway. Why? because it makes us more "macho" than the rest? Or just because those of us who chose to take that chance are "brave"?

How is it that when a woman still chooses to dress however she wishes or goes out with her friends that instead of say making sure they're safe and maybe even leave them be, there are those of us that decide we have the right to touch them or even say the most disgusting things to them?

Look. There's a chance that there still are atleast a few decent men out there. and to those of you, I ask that you stick by what you believe is right and treat the women in your life with respect above everything else. AND stand up for them when you see or hear of them being treated as anything less than being treated the way YOU would like.

And IF you see someone or know someone who has or talks about or even THINKS about assaulting a woman. Start chopping bits off of them. Screw consequences. there are over a billion of us. Losing a bunch won't really matter. Especially if it makes it a better place to live in.

Dear Women, 

I'm sorry this world and more specifically this country isn't a safe place for you to live in. And we don't deserve you. That's the truth. 

BUT, every so often you will meet a guy who goes out of his way to make your day. Who'd drive across the city to spend FIVE minutes with you. Someone who, even in this day and age brings you flowers, or writes you notes, for no reason whatsoever. A guy who once couldn't do much in a kitchen except boil water but spends hours, even days learning how to make you pancakes. And all this not because he'd like to get in your pants. But because it would make you happy

These men may not know what to say or do all the time simply because they understand you're constantly dealing with jerks sliding into your dms and sending you dick pics and want to in no way make you feel uncomfortable. 

One day these men will have their spirits break. Maybe even on more than one occasion. And all it'll take for their faith in humanity to be restored would be to know that you still believe in them and appreciate them. 

Dear Parents,

We've all got our busy schedules and work and family lives to deal with. But using "Log kya kahenge (what will people say)" as an excuse to tell your daughter she has to be home by sundown and allowing your son to be out till 3 am isn't right.

Scolding your teenage son that he should be paying attention to what's in his books instead of the cute girl he has a crush on May not be the right way to handle the situation.

Maybe, just MAYBE understanding , relating and explaining that this is all normal for a teenager and showing them how to behave might just mean the difference between him growing up to treating his wife/girlfriend or even random women on the street with respect or being an abusive husband and father.

Lightning

Does anyone else have those days where you feel like there's so much going on inside your head that you can't even hear yourself think?? Or is that just me?

Surely there's someone else out there.

The past few years have been rough. And at the end of last year I kept thinking, "2020, That'll be the year that I turn this boat around." 

Well, Then 2020 came to. Threats of world war, civil unrest, a couple of explosions, a bunch of idiots running their countries into the ground and to top it all off, a pandemic. Seems like new years was just a couple of weeks ago and now all of a sudden, like the memes floating around the internet say, we're all in the middle of level 10 of Jumanji.

And What is wrong with this world? It feels like every other day we hear more news of rape, murder and all they want us to hear about is which celebrities smoke pot and which TV news channel fudged their TRP ratings.

How has this entire fucking year not reminded every single one of us that life is simply too short. Why are we not paying attention to the simpler things?

I've always felt like I've made too many wrong decisions in my life. But every now and then I remind myself that whatever happened, whatever choices I've made, the paths I've taken, have made me who I am today. For better or worse. And THAT, isn't for ME to judge.

A weeks ago I realized that the solution to the issues has been staring me right in the face the whole time. ME. 

And have I made all the right decisions? Probably not. But at least it's a start.

What I need to put out there is this.

Life isn't as long as we think it'll be. It can all end in an instant. There may be heartbreak or injury or death. Nothing , NOTHING is guaranteed. If you've been waiting an age to do something. Go do it. Waiting for the right time may lead nowhere. Make THIS the right time. Make mistakes. Fall in love. Doesn't matter if it's someone you've met twice or your best friend. And when you do, Love unconditionally! Not that many of us know what that means. But just make the damn effort. and TELL THEM how they make you feel. it doesn't matter if they don't feel the same. Do your part. Show them how special a part they play in your life. Quit being afraid of "getting hurt". If you never "get hurt" How THE FUCK are you going to know when what's right for you is standing right in front of you? Take the leap, quit your job and open that cafe or salon you've been dreaming of setting up since forever. Why wait?

All I'm saying is. I think we've all spent long enough waiting for lightning to strike just right and time that perfect photograph or video. Only to end up being startled by the thunder that follows. 

BE the damn Lightning Bolt. Or at the very least be brave enough to hold up the lightning rod to the sky in the middle of a storm.

The Journey

I think it's about time I started talking about real issues. And NOT just my own.

I'm thinking the issues, thoughts and fears that aren't unique to a single individual but that a larger demographic of the general population can relate to.

So, let's go with something simple.

The decisions we make daily.

Watching the news and frankly all the information on social media, started to make me wonder whether this new virus is the pandemic or if it's nature's way of eliminating the true infection - Human beings.

And yes there are those of us who do good and contribute to society and help everyone and anything they can to make the world a better place.

But what about the rest of us. When was the last time any of us stopped to help an old lady cross the road or stopped traffic to make sure a kitten didn't get run over? know what. fuck that. That's too much to ask of us humans. When's the last time you called your parents or grandparents just to say "Hi"?

What is wrong with us? HOW is it that we can put another human being through hell for the littlest things and actually manage to sleep at night?

All the thieves, murderers and rapists are monsters. That's something punishable by law. And so we condemn it. But what about those of us who emotionally torture those people we say are 'the best part our lives' and those of us who disregard others feelings for personal gain?

And then there's the insufferable dipshits who think it's alright to disrespect the elderly and women just because their thoughts and beliefs don't align?

For the longest time there's been a question, 'What's more important, the journey or the destination?' 

And although there's been conflicting opinions. The popular consensus is that it's The Journey.

I've come to disagree. In my opinion, it's neither the Journey or the Destination. These vary greatly for each individual.

What matters most is The COMPANION. 

The reason I bring this up is because we all, All wish for better companions to take our own personal journeys with.

How is it fair to ask for the universe, God , fate to bring us the perfect companion when we have done absolutely NOTHING to ourselves be better companions for another person, or even a pet for that matter.

All I'm saying is that we need to change things. Or there'll be no destination left to get to by the time our children and grandchildren are around.

It's up to us to communicate with one another better. And make this a better world to live in.

Secrets

There isn't a human alive who doesn't have regrets.
These may be something they've said, done or possibly NOT said/done.

Either way, we all have our demons, Our Secrets.

And it's never easy. Every reminder of these regrets hurts like a nail being hammered through your chest. or maybe a half a dozen nails.

So when someone opens up and builds up the courage to tell you one of these secrets. Remember, that they value you enough to open up to you. And that it couldn't have been easy. not by a long-shot.

Respect them for having the courage to face their fears and asking you to stand by them because they're scared.

Be the strength they need. And let them be yours.

I may not be the noblest of us all. Then again, I cannot judge you for the decisions you've made in the past. Without support and without counsel.

What I do promise though, is that I will Always stand by your side. I'll be there when you're right to give you that extra push. and I'll be there when you're wrong, to provide damage control.

It may seem like I've taken on many roles in the past few months. Your cook, stylist, bodyguard, date, driver, etc.

But remember. Before I can be worthy of anything and above all else, I will be,
Your Protector and your Friend

One Reason

The world is a cruel place.
This is fact. This is the cold hard truth.
No question about it.
And we all know it to be true.

But, Everything we love and care for exists within this world.
Obviously, As always I was procrastinating and that procrastination eventually turned to pondering.

I came to the most cliche conclusion ever.
That we may have a thousand, ten thousand maybe even a million metaphorical reasons to give up on this cruel world.

I know because That's where I was.

I chose to cut off the rest of the world from what was my own little space. It wasn't necessarily a happy place, Well, not most of the time, but it was mine.
I gave zero fucks to what happened outside of that space and shot anyone who tried to get in. anyone who survived, was shot at again.

The plan was to go take a few risks trying to make it big. If it worked out, great I'd be a grumpy old man living in a big house by himself. And if it didn't all work out, I'd just be a grumpy old man living in a not so big house by himself.

My point is, I haven't been able to imagine  having or even wanting anyone to be part of what I imagine my future would look like. I figured I was destined to remain the lone wolf. And I'd come to accept that.

Didn't think I wanted more.

Then one day, everything changed.

Suddenly  I'm not so grumpy anymore. Everything seems to have more meaning than before.

And now I see what I hope to be a possible future, this time not alone. Atleast, I hope not.

These may be cliche lines and may sound corny. But here's the thing.

I nearly gave up on everything and everyone. I felt like I had no purpose and no reason to try and do anything or make something of myself.

Then I met, who is the love of my life and realized that I just need one, one single reason to get out of bed every day and be grateful that i didn't slip away into the next life in my sleep.

One reason is all you need to keep moving, and as long as you keep moving  you'll get somewhere.

Today, you are that reason to me. I hope that one day  I get to be yours.

Home to You

Here I am, sitting at an airport terminal, sipping coffee, sleep deprived and tired af.

I look out the window to see what looks like unusually good weather for this city. But my mind wanders to the same place ever few seconds.

I didn't think I was capable of feeling this way. I didn't know I could miss someone so much it almost hurt physically.

Makes me think of what might be in the near future.

Makes me hope that I get to travel to places WITH you and have those lil adventures, see new places, do new things, WITH you.

Reminds me that I am more today than I ever was, because of YOU.

I know what I must do now. I know, That I must be better.

More importantly, I know WHY.

Because at the end of the day, I'd like to come home to You.

And make you proud too. 

I Promise

Promises can be tricky things.

A promise kept can make someone's day, Build a bond that's set in stone or maybe even change someone's life.

A promise broken on the other hand, has the power to decimate one's soul.

Over the course of what is an infinitesimal time that I've spent on this blue dot in out solar system we all call home, I've learnt many lessons about making and keeping promises. Which is why I usually choose to not make any, for fear of being unable to keep them.

Recently though I've made a few promises. And I intend to, nay.. I WILL keep them. THAT is the answer to "How much?"

Although It may seem unconvincing at the time, I meant each one of those promises. And here, In front of the world I'd like to make them all again

I Promise, to respect you and your beliefs, without contest or judgement.

I Promise, to treat you then, like I do today, and only to be a better man with time.

I Promise, to carry the weight of the world, so that you don't always have to

I Promise, to walk right into the storm so you don't have to, not all by yourself

I Promise, to hold you when you need to be held.

I Promise, to love you when you need to be loved.

I Promise, to protect you, with my own life, if it comes to that.

but above all,

I Promise, to always, ALWAYS do right by you, even if it means training three monkeys and a puppy to rob a liquor store at 4am because we've run out of Rum.

Cherish

I've often said that I'm what they call, "Old School".

I believe that it's always going to be the little things that matter most.

What I had forgotten is that these, so called, little things matter a LOT more when you realize a few things.

Life messes with us all.
It's all one big lesson.
All those disappointments, regrets and heartbreaks culminate in preparing us for one singularity. One event that hits us so hard that we realize more than anything, that she gives you purpose. Of the million, billion of things wrong with this world, She is  the One aspect of your lives you would go through hell and back for.

Simply put, Every decision adds variables to the equation that is our lives, and SHE is the one constant you need to solve the damn equation.

I bring this up because I've remembered that the women in our lives are, and always will be the foundation and pillars of strength for everything we build.

We often forget to appreciate them for all they are and all they make us.
We forget that, as they are the source of our strength, WE must be the source of theirs.

I made a promise once. A promise to be kind and generous and to love unconditionally.

Today, Hayati I make that same Promise to you.

I will never, EVER forget how you smile and I promise to do everything in my power to keep you smiling.

I AM old school.

I believe that making her smile and cherishing her for everything she is, is worth a lot more than all the possessions in the world.

I believe that simply holding her for a few moments can lift the burden of all her sorrows. even if it's just for those few moments.

And I KNOW, that no matter what happens next. You, Hayati, will be the one singular reason I look forward to waking up every morning.

And yes, I realize that all this may seem corny and borderline cliche. But that really is what I believe.

Agony

Agony, is feeling this way and not knowing if  she sees it.

Agony, is seeing the pain in her eyes and wishing you could make it stop.

Agony, is patiently waiting with your heart in your hand only to realize it's your phone you're staring at.

Agony, is telling yourself it'll all be okay and knowing you'll have to go through hell and then some before it is.

Agony, is hearing your soul break in two each time she has to leave.

Agony, is wanting to kiss her softly not knowing if she'd kiss you back.

Agony, is Knowing you can make her smile but feeling like it's not your place to.

Agony, is the insomnia till you're sure she's okay and she's safe.

Happiness, is her fingers between yours, the sound of her voice and nothing else.

From this moment Forth

We all are capable of feeling a full range of emotions from what seems like an endless spectrum.

Of these one most of us dread is Pain.

I on the other hand believe that pain is an emotion that shapes us more than most other feelings.

Yes there's a lot of pain and suffering in the world.
Most of which are caused by individuals that are a disgrace to mankind as a collective.

But the hard truth is there will always be pain and suffering. Usually a lot more than we'd expect.

The point, I believe, like I've said oh so many times is that when we're old and grey we aren't going to remember every minute, every second of our lives. It's going to be more like match day highlights for Sunday night's game.

We'll remember a handful of moments we've had throughout our lives, each moment will trigger a series of memories to reminisce on.

These will remind us of every single life changing event or having met someone you could attribute the course of the remainder of your life to.

What matters in the end is whether all these moments end with a smile or with a heavy heart.

Now yes, I know, based on the title, all this looks like it's quite a bit out of context.

Here's my point.
I believe that I've reached a chapter in the book that will one day be my memoirs, that will , without a doubt, change every decision I will make from this moment forth.

The Good news, I may just make it afterall.

The bad news, pure Agony.

Carpe diem

I've just realised something. Something I've probably known all along though.

What I actually mean is that finally I've realized it's time to do something about it.

I've realised that just about all this while I've been doing nothing but whining about something or the other. Well atleast most recently anyway.

The point is, I've come to the conclusion that I need to shut up n deal with it. Simply because it's not me who has crap to deal with.

Lots of people have lots of problems. Some don't have any income, others don't have food on their tables or shelter over their heads. But they don't all sit n complain about it.

I've realised that it's a little juvenile to think the world has come to an end just because your old friends don't get you like they used to. Or just because your favourite team is bottom of the league. Our because your ex has moved on n so has the one before her while you're still "alone".

I'm not sure why I came up with this now,  but maybe it's just me coming to terms with the fact that the universe isn't controlled by a microchip that an alien race implanted inside my brain.

Once again, for the sake of providing some context, Let Me tell you a little secret.

Here's the thing. 
There's this girl (obviously) and she's got me smitten, floored, (okay I've run out of adjectives - clearly I'm not thinking straight anymore).

  
But i can't tell her what I think of her. Though chances are, she knows. 
I can't tell her because somewhere, somehow I think it's never gonna work.

I blame the fact that emotions don't come with an instruction manual that clearly tells you what to do/say and when to do/say whatever you're meant to do/say

The question now is, what next? 

Carpe giving diem, they said. 

Radio Silence

Five Years
That's a long time to be on sabbatical.

The question now is which event is more significant-
The one that resulted in the five year radio silence?
Or the event that resulted in me breaking said radio silence?

You ever get to the point where you've had to deal with all the vampiric idiots around you constantly, pushing back and looking for a little hope that maybe, just MAYBE they're not all "idiots". (read: insert other adjectives here.)
Then One fine day, you decide , it's not worth it and you give up on society. give up on trying to fix what's wrong with this world.

So then, you watch the world go by without starting a bar fight because you see someone misbehaving with a young lady or stopping three lanes of traffic because there's an idiot on his phone with ZERO attention on the road.

To give you some perspective thing of a lone wolf, walking through the night, not bothered with hunting anymore. Wasting away to what is now a shadow of the predator he once was.

Then one day you meet someone who barely knows you exist.

I still don't know what it is.
It's like there's a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel.
Maybe there is a reason to hope that this world is a better place.

Nineteen Monkeys

Over the years, I've learnt that there aren't really that many people you would actually die for. And honestly, there isn't a single person on this earth I'd die for.

That's the truth, plain and simple.

I simply don't understand the logic behind taking your own life for someone else's sake.

I mean, what's the point? How is you dying going to make someone else happy? that too someone else to whom you mean as much as they mean to you?

On the contrary, wouldn't it just cause them pain n grief?

I didn't always think this way though. there was a time when I actually would've died for "someone"
All that changed when i realized that if they're better off without you around, there is no point shooting yourself in the face.

Now, I'm not saying that no one's worth it. that's not true. Well, not always. I for example consider my family to be above everyone else. And when I say family, I don't mean just the individuals I'm blood-related to.

By Family, I mean those people without whom I'd feel like I had a hole the size of the moon in my heart.

And Exactly Nineteen Years ago, today. An idiot was plonked onto planet earth at some hospital of which I do not know the name.

I remember the first time i saw my brother. I thought he looked strangely familiar to a monkey. (Don't ask me, I was 4).
I even asked my mother where she got "the monkey" from.. And obviously, she just sat there laughing, along with my grandparents and probably every nurse and doctor in the hospital building.

Anyway. Nineteen years on, that "Monkey" has grown up to be the young man most envy. I for one, am proud of my little brother.

Problem is, I just realized he isn't really little anymore.

I'm Sorry.

There was a time in my life when I felt nothing. A time, at which I was my weakest.


I had become so numb, maybe even heartless??

I even went to the extent of trying, actually making myself feel pain, sometimes physical, almost always psychological. Since the latter seems to have no boundaries when it comes to the extent of pain it can cause one to feel.

I believed that pain was the only feeling I could feel. And that my tiny stupid heart had been damaged so badly that it couldn’t feel anything else.

Feeling pain, physical or psychological, made me feel alive. Made me feel like I wasn’t just a living breathing bag of flesh and bones. As if I actually lived and not merely existed as a miniscule, irrelevant entity on this planet.

I cannot express how much you mean to me. I simply cannot. Though I may not have to.

I want you to understand that “there is no way I would let go of you” not unless YOU wanted me to from every bit of your heart.

And PLEASE do not think about disappointing me. That simply isn’t possible. The ONLY thing that can break my heart is you falling in love with another man. But in that case I cannot be cross with you. It is what your heart desires, and I have no right to force you to think otherwise.

I’m sorry that I’ve made you cry. And that I’ve made you angry (li’l bit). And maybe just smile a little with tears in your eyes when u read the “li’l bit”. MAYBE.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve said stupid things and for all the times that I may say stupid things in the future.

I’m sorry that I cannot be there to hold you and that I cannot promise you I will be there tomorrow.

However, what I am NOT sorry for, and never EVER will be sorry for, is falling in love with YOU.

You may not think of yourself as much, that’s alright. One day you’ll see yourself through my eyes and you will see How Beautiful you are, How Amazing you are, and how simply PERFECT you are.

Thought of the Moment

Right this moment, before you finish reading this line, what do you reckon is the one most prominent thought on your mind?

To me, it could be a bunch os different things.

It could be the fact that I've been writing again, after over a month of absolute literary silence.

It couls be, thoughts of the one girl that ripped my world out from right underneath my feet.

OR, it could be this little bit of smokey, bubbly ecstasy I've got in front of me.

But, you know what, it's none of those things.

It isn't even the thought of this beautiful, and I mean absa-freakin-loutely BEAUTIFUL girl I see at work ever day.

What I had on my mind, were thoughts of home.

Not the place where Dad's built a house at n Mom's busy in the kitchen.

When I say home, I mean that wooden table on an iron frame that I'd hang out at with my brothers.

Just us, some sheesha, kirkire, a couple of club sandwiches and the topic of the day, which could range from football, to formula1 to some random chic we'd seen walkin down the street with some "Lucky Bastard!"

However we start the day, it always ends the same way. With two questions.

1) Who da fuck is paying?

And

2) What time tomorrow?

THAT, is home.

Just us brothers, some sheesha, kirkire and a couple of club sandwiches.

My Greatest Fear

What is your greatest fear?

Yes, its true that we always have an answer whenever we're asked that.

But how accurate is that answer?

I mean do you really fear spiders that much?

Ask yourselves, what do you really, REALLY fear the most?

I know what I fear the most. Just realised what it was.

My Greatest Fear, is being forgotten. To have not existed.

There was a time I wished I were forgotten, to be invisible and stay that way. But now, its my worst nightmare.

I think maybe that's why I decided to start writing. Because that way, no matter who walks into my life and how they walk out of my life, Someone, Somewhere will know my story. Someone, Somewhere will always, ALWAYS remember.

So, for those of you who have left, for those of you who have forgotten. Those of you, to whom I never existed.

I DON'T CARE.

I could breathe before you. and blood. Flowed through my veins before you

And now, after you're gone. I'll still breathe.

True, It may be difficult for a while. And I may need a heart-lung machine.

We all have to go through such a phase, at least once during our lives, albeit for different reasons.

But hey, Fear and Pain-not the physical kind, probably the two feelings that make us truly human.

They remind us that we aren't invincible and that we aren't the Masters of the Universe. It reminds us of our place as tiny fragile beings.

Obituary

Every story has an ending. Some have happy one. But some of the greatest, end tragically. Well, maybe not always. But more often than not.

I am, like every one of you reading this, a mere human. I have my limits. If you trip me, I'll stumble, and maybe even fall. If you stab me, I'll bleed.

And when we see the end nearing, we done one from a handful of things. Run and hide, take it as it comes, or maybe bring help.

The end, however, is inevitable. And no amout of preparation, no thickness of armour, will ever be enough.

A writer cannot write without a muse.

A writer cannot exist without a muse. And this writer refuses to find another muse.

I may manage without my muse. But I made a promise, a promise I still wish to keep. But, if things go on like this, it'll be a promise I will be unable to keep.

I cannot put anyone through any sort of pain. Not at least, for ME.

I'm sorry, but that's the way I was raised.

I don't need to be fixed. I don't WaNT to be fixed.

Therefore, today a story ends. And a good man, or a part of him is dead.

R. Is Dead!

Because I Don't Know How Not to

How far would you go for someone?

What is the last thing you'd like to do before taking your last breath?

Ever ask yourselves these questions?

Well I've been asking myself just that all day.

Actually, all day for a few days now.

And I've decided that Although somethings do not change, and probably never will, I know I must let go.

Because one day, many many years from now (if I'm around that long), I'll think of these last 3-6 months and cherish them as probably the best of my life.

BUT, when you think of them, you'll wish they were 30-40 YEARS instead. Because no matter what you think, or say or believe, I love you More than anyone has ever loved a girl.

But this doesn't matter anymore.

I'm just a boy, in love with a girl, hoping, praying and begging her to love him back.

No wait, I WAS that.

You're the BEST thing that's ever happened to me.

You're the BEST part of my life.

Umm. No. Those don't sound right either.

Right now, I wish I'd never met you. NOT because I don't love you. But because I DO. And I don't know how to stop.

But you know what? Every person I've met after I've met you, has been worth meeting.

And yeah, I know. Some primitive brains cannot understand what my simple yet expressive words convey.

So now, I'm ripping my heart (or at least what's left of it) out of my chest. And now I'll either be that person you, and all those before you believe I really am. At least that way, no one will ever call me fake.

Either I'll be that, or I won't be at all.

Not to you anyway.

Train on the Tracks

There are a few of us that can "read" people. i mean the ability exists in everyone to some extent. how esle would you explain how we make friends?

But these few have a heightened version of this ability. This means they can "read" people, everything rom behaviour to habits to what the future might hold for the two of them.
It's not assuming. just deduction based on observation.

It therefore is easy for them to decide what to do for whom. how someone may be helped and how their worries may be taken care of.

I think I'm one of them. I THINK.
But instead of staying away from those i should. I Stay. I Stay and put every effort into being the perfect person possible for them. Be the support they need to sort out whatever they need to. Be there to catch them when they fall. And i know that just saying this makes me look like I'm pretending. Preteding to be this "nice"
Right now, even I think i may be fake.

But all in all, Whether I can read people and see what's coming. or even, If I'm fake, The simple truth is

When you're standing on the tracks, It doesnt matter whether you see the train coming, or whether you're an Elephant. OR that you're pretending to be an elephant.

When the train hits you.
It Hurts!

A Dream

Ten years from now, when you're walking down the street, and you look beside you, what do you expect to see?

Twenty years from now, when you come home, do you open the front door? Or will there be someone there to open it for you?

Forty/Fifty years from now, when you wake up, and you get that feeling. that "Today will be my last" feeling. What's the last thing you'd like to do? Who's the last person you'd like to see before the day ends?

Think about it. Just think about it for a moment or two. And then let go of the thought. Because right now, It's not really Important.

Having goals and aspirations is fine, but spending every waking moment trying to make your dreams come true may not necessarily be a good thing. We tend to lose ourselves in the pursuit of a dream. A dream that sometimes, must stay a dream.

We musn't dwell on the past. much as we musnt push too hard to make a dream, Real.

As someone once said, "The past, is History, The future, a Mystery"

I'd like to add that "Sometimes, A dream, is just that, A Dream."

Those That Remember

What is Life all about? At the end of a long life, what do we use to decide whether or not it's been a life worth living?

I don't think it's the 8-digit Bank balance, or the line of cars outside the 23-bedroom mansion, by the beach. I believe it's the company we've kept.

In other words, the quality of our lives can be gauged by the quality of those that remember (or forget) us when we're no more.

And by these standards, I know, already, that My life will have been one of those worth living. I have amazing parents, a kickass brother, a bunch of crazy friends who'd gladly rip out a kidney for me (and for whom i'd do the same). And a Girl, THE Girl, Who'll love me (And in a few years, our kids), forever.

We fight, all of us. We fight so much it's like wolves fighting over deer. But what's more important is that after a fight, we always, ALWAYS, make up.

Simply because, Although it may sometimes be difficult to live with them, SOMETIMES!.
It's Definitely Impossible to live WITHOUT them.

That makes them My whole world. and She, is the centre of my universe.

They, are My Family.

A beautiful Mind

My days are incomplete, my nights, sleepless. Some people would call me crazy. Others, a fake. I am the way I am because of the way i think. Everything I do, or say, I imagine, or picture saying or doing first. I picture what would happen, from the most obvious to the worst possible scenario.

Either way, whatever does happen, isn't really much of a surprise.

I'm a realist, I understand the concept of probability of occurance.

The problem with a overactive Imagination is, Although it helps me figure out what to do when I'm in a bit of a pickle, I sometimes cannot stop it from reminding me of things i do NOT want to think about. The kind of stuff I have nightmares of.

It's hard knowing this, but the simple truth is:
This Beautiful mind is just as much a curse as it is a blessing.

Impressions

First Impressions form the basis, the foundations of all our relationships with the people we meet during the course of our lives. The first impression has a lasting effect . An impression, that's not necessarily the Best Impression. we are ALL Judgemental. Each to a different extent, but all in all, Judgemental.

The first time we see someone, we form a mental image of what they're like. And the rest of the time we know them, we compare what they actually are, to what WE think they are. which, isn't really a good thing. We are what we are, what WE choose to be, defined by OUR actions and by the decisions WE make. I mean, How would you like it if you were compared to someone? That too, to yourself? or atleast an idea of what you are?

Everyone in Judgemental, Also Everyone is unique. So every time someone Judges you. or compares you to someone, tell them this.

"I am me. DO NOT insult me by comparing me to someone else, OR to what YOU think I am."

The Love of My Life

One fine day she just waltzed into my life. And a life lacking in colour she painted red, blue, purple, violet and yellow. she turned every morning from then on a morning worth waking up to.

She is my muse, my inspiration, my critic and my best friend. and from that day on till today and till forever, I will never be the same as I was before she came into my life. And honestly, I don't want to be. EVER!

I hope and pray that every man is as lucky as I am.

No Wait! NO! You're MINE. And I am the luckiest man in the world. because YOU are the Love of My Life.

FM 101

There comes a point in everyone's life when we decide, "That's enough. i'm not taking anymore of this Bullshit"
And its a very important point in our lives.

To some, it comes when we first leave home and have a hard time adjusting, coping with the outside world, without the protection of our parents. To some others it comes when we're having another miserable day at work. and then there's the time when Everything seems to be going wrong.

But. Is everything going wrong??
Or is it just one thing, ONE, small, But significant event, that shakes our whole world, so much so that it seems like we're no longer in tune with the universe. Like when you're listening to your favourite radio station playing your favourite song and it suddenly goes out of tune. No matter how hard you try and how long you sit there moving the tuning knobs with German levels precision you simply cant seem to find it again. And then the whole day you feel like something's missing.

But what we need to understand, is that Maybe, it isn't the problem with the Radio.
Maybe the radio station is experiencing technical problems.

In other words, Sometimes it isn't because You aren't ready for the world, It's because the world isn't ready for You. So, calm down, nothing's wrong, just give it time. you know what frequency your favourite station broadcasts at. Tune in, and wait for the idiots at the station to fix it.

Hayati

Most if not all of us spend a significant part of out lives searching for something or the other.
to some it's fame, to others it's power, to others still, it's both.
But, more often than not, when we get there, we realize that something's missing. that all this fame, fortune, and power is of no value, except materialistic. Because what we were actually looking for is peace of mind. or at least a source, that helps you find that peace.

We humans are social beings, living by ourselves, cutting ourselves off from the rest of the world simply isn't possible. And those who were stupid enough to try, have lost their minds, or worse still, their lives.

Quite simply, we're ALWAYS going to need at least One other person that matters most.
whose opinions and criticism have a greater influence on our behaviour, our habits and our lives in general, an influence greater than any religious text, of rulebook.

That one person, who can turn a train wreck of a day into one that's Just Perfect with nothing more than a smile.

Thank you Hayati :)

Saturn V

Normally, when you meet someone you like, there are a few sparks, then the long telephone conversations, and with time it all fades away.

And Normally, we’re not really bothered, because it doesn’t really matter that the sparks are missing now. And that we don’t argue over who hangs up first.

But then there’s that ONE person you meet, just the one in a whole life time.

From the first, “Hello. How are you?” it feels like Firework on the 4^th of Julys.

Every day just seems better. And waking up to another day to spend with them makes even the uninteresting parts of the day seem like a suspense thriller. With a double twist at the end of the movie.

Then one day, be in a week later or a year later, the fireworks seem to die down.

Everything seems to be going back to “normal”. All feelings and emotions are back within their normal spectral range and it feels like the magic seems to be fading.

Some of us give up at this stage, thinking what we had was just that. And there’s nothing more that can happen.

Others panic and try and keep “the magic” alive and do just about anything that seems to help.

But what they don’t understand is that, that first stage. That Magical place of euphoria, was just the beginning. The start to a LONG and healthy relationship.

The first stage, Falling in love.

It feels like Stage I of a Saturn V rocket.

It’s powerful. It all happens so quickly that everything seems to go by in a flash.

It’s both exciting and terrifying at the same time.

And it’s inexplicable. No words can express how or what you’re feeling.

But you realize that it’s just SO EASY to feel this way.

Now, getting back to my point,

The Beginning is like Stage I of a Saturn V rocket.

And instead of panicking and trying to keep it going. Or Jumping off because you think the main event is over. Maybe you should try n relax, sit back.

The thing about The Saturn V, is that it is the Tallest, Heaviest and Most Powerful rocket Ever.

And it was designed to do one thing better than all the others.

Take Man to The Moon.

And that’s exactly where I’m headed.
Or to be more precise, where We're headed.

The Source of Our Strength

I remember, When I was little, I'd follow my mother around like a little puppy chasing a beetle in the garden.

To me she was my favourite celebrity, my cook, my maid, my teacher, a Diva, and The Terminator all rolled into one.
and honestly, she still is.
and I'm sure you all think of your mothers the same way.

It's weird, and yet so simple how everything we men do is somehow, either directly or indirectly linked to a woman.
Be it the grades you get to show mother and make her proud, the times you'd get the coolest gadgets n the nicest cars to impress a pretty girl OR the times you'd get down on your hands and knees and pretend to be a horse so your little princess could ride on your back and be the crazy cowgirl from the wild west.

It's always a woman that can makes our day. no matter how bad it's going, mom's cooking, a sister's silly questions, a daughter's simple cuteness is all we need to light up like a million Christmas trees.

the question is, What are WE doing to show them how much it means to us that they're here for us?
WHY do we take them for granted and simply assume that any kind of behaviour from our parts is acceptable and that mom shouldn't get upset when you talk back at her?

Now, I'm one of those who finds expressing feelings and emotions especially difficult, writing is the only way i can.
And every once in a while i ask myself if i have treated the women in my life well.

No one said that we should be loved unconditionally by our mothers, sisters, wives and daughters, But we are. despite our many MANY flaws, the women in our lives will always stand by us and not once hesitate in doing so.

Make sure you'll do the same without a second thought.

Women's Day is right around the corner. So, I have a suggestion.
This next week.

Take your Mothers out dancing.
Buy your Sisters a new doll and get some ice cream just for the two of you.
Come home early to your wives and just spend some time together.

Do it in your own way. But show them that you love them. And don't wait for a special occasion.

The Women in our lives have been our spines when we couldn't stand up straight.

We men are genetically programmed to say "i will not cry" and "i will be strong"
We often forget the source of our strength lies in the ones dearest to us.

So, go be the best Sons, Brothers, Husbands and Fathers.

A New Book

Who sets the rules??
Who decides what's right and what's wrong?
and who decides what we're allowed to dream of and what we're allowed to hope for?
all our lives we're told what to do.
Or rather, what not to do.

Why is it that we keep going back to the past instead of moving on?

Forgetting what's happened isn't just difficult, it simply isn't possible. And Honestly, is just plain stupid.
our past experiences define us. they teach us lessons no book, no teacher can.

We can learn about everyone else. That's not really the problem now is it?
It's ourselves that we need to figure out first.

The thing is, sometimes, while we're writing the story of our lives, we're going to get stuck.
and sometimes a generous amount of elbow grease just isn't going to be enough.
you're going to need a chainsaw, and maybe chop off an arm and a leg.
and obviously, that's going to hurt.

So. my question is. Do you risk going through all that pain?
Or do you take your time, accept that there's nothing you can do and then move on?

Dream big. Hope and pray for those dreams to come true. But, prepare for them to be shattered.

The optimist will say it'll happen, no matter what.
The pessimist, there's no way i can do that.
The realist, stop dreaming and work hard. And MAYBE that'll get you there
I say tell them this, "Get the fuck out of my way"

I know where I've been and you know where you've been.
so now what we should do, is decide where we want to go.
instead of letting the universe decide for us.

And remember. sometimes just writing a new chapter in the book of your life isn't enough.
you need to put that book on the top shelf, and start a New Book.

Butterfly

Caterpillars are one of those creatures that just about everyone would call ugly.
Some of them slimy green, some with spikes and “eyes” and then there are those that can give you an itch that’ll make you think twice about touching another plant.
Caterpillars are the outcasts of the animal Kingdom. I mean you know where a Lion or a kangaroo or a tarantula would go. They all have they’re place.
Either they’re dangerous, or cute, or strong.
What about the caterpillar. Who spends all day munching on it’s favourite food and doing absolutely nothing else?
Well there is the occasional stroll across the garden path to get to another plant.
The thing is, not all caterpillars are what they seem.
Some stay caterpillars, some morph into moths and then there are some that turn into butterflies.
Like the pretty yellow ones we’ve all chased when we were little.
Or like the Blue Morpho Butterfly or the various species of Glasswing – known to be among the most beautiful butterflies known to man.
And almost all of them started of their lives as the ugly caterpillar munching on a leaf.
I’m sure you didn’t need to get this far to know I was going to get to the butterflies and I’m sure you have an idea of where im going with this.
Either way, my point is.
We’re always going to come across people who judge us by what we have done or whom we have been. And we’re always going to find people in our lives that have histories we may not be very fond of.
BUT, we owe them the benefit of the doubt. To be completely non-judgmental.
To accept anything and everything about them, and their pasts.
All I’m saying is STOP looking at the caterpillar and running away.
Stay for a while, watch, learn, pay attention.
You never know. That caterpillar may turn into a butterfly.
And if you’re there when it does.
You won’t have to go chasing after it for the rest of your life

Anomaly

I always have something to say. No matter how unexpected or difficult the situation may be, I Always have something to say. Something a listener can take seriously and that makes complete sense.

But now, all of a sudden, my theories, the bulletproof logic, the reasons and the ideas all just fling themselves out the window. It's as if they know that NOTHING can explain this.

And every time I try and say something. Every time I try and express myself, it comes out wrong. In my head I know what I mean. But, for some reason I cannot find the right words to convey the idea as I've thought it up.

The simple truth is. There are no words that I can use to express what I feel when it comes to you. It just is. I Love You with all my heart. I Don't Have a reason. I Don't Need a reason. And I Don't Want a reason.

You are the Anomaly, the one aspect of my life that I simply Cannot explain. There are no reasons, and there is no logical explanation.
And Honestly, it doesn't matter.
Because, the way it is, however it is.
It's just perfect!

My Muse

We all need something to believe in. Something that makes us feel like no matter WHAT happens. no matter how bad things may get. It'll be okay. That one day you'll wake up and everything will be just Perfect.

I KNOW I've made LOADS of mistakes. and i mean LOADS. just about every decision i;ve made has turned out to be the wrong one. from academics to relationships to what colour T-Shirt to wear.

I sometimes find it Difficult to express myself. to be able to even BE the way i want to be. and it's not anyone's fault. I can blame bad breakups, ill health, and a dysfunctional family for as long as I want. but in the end it's MY responsibility. I have to deal with whatever happens in my life. Good, Bad or Ridiculously Insane.

The few People that actually KNOW me will say that I've been through a lot. I say well, Maybe.
The thing is. I lost my way. I faltered, I tripped and I fell. and from where I was standing, it was a BIG fall.

Then, one fine day, out of the blue, this wonderful person just comes Waltzing into my life and says to me "Don't worry, We'll heal each other" and i thought "well I think she's crazy, because NO ONE can fix me" but as is every other thing between me and her. SHE WON.

So here I am, Three Months and Two Weeks later, not worrying about a single thing. Because I KNOW, that It'll all be just fine. And there's not a thing in the world that can stop me from getting where I want to be.

Right now I know What I want. HOW I'm going to get there I have No idea. But I know I'll get there. Because I Have the single most amazing source of motivation anyone could ask for. I have a supporter, a critic, and the BEST friend EVER, All in one. :)
And also. having her around, just makes me better, in every imaginable, tangible, explicable way. and even those ways that can't be explained. I'm never Going to say that I was this and I was that because I had/have her. I do not HAVE her. she isn't property. She, is My Better HALF. and always will be.


I am the Writer
She, is My Muse. 

Kryptonite

Living in the shadow of a man is hard enough.
But what do you do when you've been living in the shadow of the man YOU used to be?

What do you do when you realize everything you are now can never be as good as what you once used to be?

Well I've tried everything. And right now I feel like I've been to the deepest pits of hell and back.

I thought I'd make it.
I figured all I had to do was believe I was Superman.
I've been looking for my yellow sun for half my time on this earth. And every time I think I've found it, Every time I think the source of my strength lies in front of me, it turns out so be an illusion, like a mirage in the middle of the desert.

And its happened again. Only this time. I did find something. I Held on to it as best i could only to realize that it wasn't my Yellow sun. It was, in fact.
Kryptonite.
The only thing that could defeat me.
The only thing in the universe, I fear.

Brothers in Arms

All guys have "Brothers". Bound by the Bro-Code.
Sworn to fight to the death, Literally, for one another.

I remember mine.

My table tennis partner back in school. And one hell of a guy.
We were practically unbeatable. And anyone who dared Challenge us was sent home packing before they could say "Love-all".

That was just in competition.


The rest of the time we'd come up with crazy ideas, crack jokes that had us coughing our lungs out and be pulling "stunts" that if anyone had known, would have every chic in a 10-mile radius beat us half to death.

Back then all we needed was a Coke, some fries and a couple of the guys to hang out with. And it'd be the most Awesome day ever!

Then of course there was our Lunch break Activity-Dabu. Technically dodgeball. But in reality, it was more like, Call of Duty - Black Ops.

I'm surprised no one was killed in the process. ;)

Amazing how so little can mean so much.

Those were the days.
And we walked around like we owned the place.
stickin' it to anyone who said otherwise.


                   - Vivek J. Nair,Gautam Kumar, Rajeev Nair - Brothers in Arms: 2002-2005.

Strawberries and Cream

Relationships are like glass.
Some curved, some smoother than still water.
some blue, some green, purple, frosted, and clear.

The thing is, Glass, no matter how tough its made, Is still fragile.
There's always something that can crack it.

My life's full of spider-cracked windscreen's from high-speed collisions. But then again, so is everyone else's.
Now I've spent way too long being pissed off at dumbasses who'd screwed me over. Though that is Probably as much my fault as it is theirs. That's what happens when you'll gladly rip your heart out for every plain Jane that smiles at you from across the street.

I think i needed the last few days. More than anything else. Probably the most Amazing four days. Ever. well, at least in a long long time. ;)

I got the Ass-Kicking i needed for wasting this much time and effort on someone that i now realize clearly wasn't worth it. And Finally, could let go.

Now, when Glass cracks we usually simply throw it away and get it replaced.

But we humans, being the Sentimental beings we are and always will be, just can't Throw away that beautiful hand-painted window pane someone got us, Just because its got a tiny crack in it.

So, we just let things be the way they are. And Instead of ageing well like the other glass, this one's cracks get bigger. Soon its all so fragile, a light breeze could shatter it into a million pieces.

And everyone knows,"Anything that can go wrong, Will go wrong!"

Very few relationships last all through our lives. The ones that don't end up being heaps of broken glass.

Every now and then we try and piece it all back together. But being Glass, no matter how clean the break might be, you're bound to cut yourself.

Honestly, I believe that everything can be fixed. But, i also know that it'll never be the perfect purple frosted window pane i loved so much.

So now, after all this time. I've finally decided that even though it may hurt at times when i think back.
I've got to be strong.

Things can't always be all Strawberries and Cream. But I start walking, because I'm sure could find some on the way to wherever i'm headed. I just have to know where to look.

In short.
Elvis may not be back from the dead. But I am.
And, I've brought Hell back with me!

Perseverance

I like doing things differently.
Don't ask me why, It's just the way it is.
Some people think I'm stupid, the rest think I'm crazy
And because of that there is always going to be someone in my way.

So,To All who may be concerned.
I Dare You to stop me.
Push me, hit me, shoot me for all I care. Pound me into the ground.
Whatever you do, remember this one thing.
I WILL Get Back Up.
It's as simple as that.
And i will not rest till i get to where i need to be.
No matter How long it takes, No matter how much effort it takes.
I know where I am right now, and I know where i should be.
I will get there. And there isn't a thing you can do about it.

When the time comes

I'd like to say something. But I don't think i can. It's not because i don't want to. i really can't.
There's no one for me to say it to.
So for now i'm going to keep it to myself.
But. when the time comes I will say it.
I'll say it again,
I'll say it differently,
I'll write it in a poem,
Sing it in a song,
Carve it in a tree
Etch in the cement on the sidewalk.

But you already know what i have to say, don't you?

It doesn't really matter if you don't want me to. I'm still going to say it.
Not now. When the time comes.

The Hard Way

There comes a time in all our lives when we realize we've reached the point of no return, Crossed that bridge. And, now there's no way we're going to turn around.

Life's not exactly a picnic. no matter what you do or how you do it, somewhere down the road some dumbass is going to seriously piss you off. A little further down, Another dumbass is going to tell you what you're doing is stupid. And then there's going to be a third driving at 20 in the fast lane who just won't let you pass.

The problem, is that no matter how much we say what other people say doesn't matter, It does. It'll always be there in the back of your head, raising doubts, questioning your decisions.
We tend to take these minor setbacks as signs that this is wrong. And slowly but surely we give up.

Some of us end up doing things for everyone else. We live entire lives for others only to have our wings clipped and dropped off the roof of a skyscraper. The subsequent pavement pasting is inevitable.
It's what we call hitting rock bottom.

All this because we let other's get in our way. Because we let them decide what's right for us and what's not.

Well I've had enough. And this time I'm doing it My way. It's going to be The Hard Way.

The Little Things

What is it with women?
Is every one on the planet hardwired to use the words, "you've changed. you're not the guy i used to know" ??
I'm sure most, if not all of us men have heard these exact words or some version of them.

Picture this.

Situation 1:
Mom finds your hidden stash of smokes.
You try and explain, "mom, it's not mine. i swear"
But the only thing she says is, "I didn't expect this from you. you've changed"

Situation 2:
After a long relationship your girlfriend decides to call it quits.
You ask her what happened.
She says, "you've changed"

hmmm... i wonder.

No matter what the relation may be, women in our lives always, ALWAYS say that they like us the way we are. and then, they point out tiny things here and there that they don't like. And we men, being the puppets that we were made to be, happily oblige.

After a while having to change the way we comb our hair, the ties we wear to work, the colour of the curtains, etc. starts to get a little annoying. But we let it go. Well, most of the time.

But, it's all okay. It's fine
Change is necessary. Change is inevitable.
The problem arises when the person for whom we change tells us that we aren't whom they've known and loved.

Don't sit there n say that it's all bull****. You know its true.

I'll tell you what i think.
Its said that God made man. and then made women.

Some people joke saying that he made man as a sort of prototype of his ultimate creation, women.

I have a different theory.
The first part is the same. We men were Deemed Incomplete, Imperfect and Incapable of sustaining ourselves.
So The Big Man upstairs decided we needed some company n sent us women.
He Embodied them with EVERY quality that would make a man desire her more than any possession, material or otherwise.

Women were made to complete us.
All these little changes that they make in us may make us something they are no longer fond of.
BUT, each change, is a step towards perfection.

Perfection isn't absolute.
We're all perfect, the catch - we're perfect in the Eyes of Others, never in our own.


So, In the end we are who we are because of the people we know and have known.

For us men it'll always be the mothers, sisters, girlfriends, wives and daughters that make up the little things in our lives. The women in our lives complete us.

And its always about the little things. ;)

Stuff like this DOES NOT happen everyday

09:19 p.m. - Flight Lands at Mumbai int'l n Pilot sudden brakes while taxing due to ducks crossing the runway. :D
01:59 a.m. - Bus from airport crashes into barrier. No injuries, except to the barrier. :E
02:09 a.m. - Audi R8 in Graphite black rolls up beside. :O
02:19 a.m. - I meet 3 Very nice girls, What's more, They're Spanish. ;)
02:29 a.m. - I decide to be a gentleman and help them carry a box contain some unknown articles. :D
02:39 a.m. - I realize that carrying the box wasn't such a good idea. the box was, umm let's say, not as light as i thought it would be. :'(
03:39 a.m. - A conversation in English, well kinda. ;)
04:19 a.m. - Discussions on what places we should each visit in India and Spain.
05:09 a.m. - Vodafone 3G stick and Google translate to the rescue.
05:29 a.m. - Encounter with a Drunk Englishman.
05:39 a.m - The box wants revenge. And gets it.
05:49 a.m. - A big wide smile, Thank you, b'bye and keep in touch.
The most eventful 9 hours in a LONG LONG time.
02:19 p.m. - I DID NOT make this up.
                                                     - TRUE STORY

Aliya

Have you ever known someone for practically Their whole life?
And I don't mean a brother, a sister or a relative of any sort.
Just someone you've come to know.
Call it fate that crossed your paths.
Do you remember watching them laugh, cry, fall down and pick themselves back up?
I'm sure there have been a number of such people in my life.
But not all of them come to mind very often.

come to think of it, I can only think of one.
 One Girl I've knows for Fifteen years.

I remember when she was just a tiny li'l baby.
Now she all grown up,
And It's been a while since we met.
But that's okay,
This story isn't over, not yet.

I may not have been one of those closest to her.
But there will always be a bunch of crazy stuff we've done,
Along with all the other terrorists we grew up with that will remind us of one another.

I don't know much about who she is now.
It's been a while.
But, I bet she's an absolute sweetheart, a die hard romantic, an open book to anyone and everyone she cares for, and a beautiful young girl.

Legacy

Once in a while, something happens that reminds us how short our time in this world really is.
How infinitesimally tiny a part we are of the cosmos.
We spend all of our childhood n most of our youth dreaming up what we want to become only to realize that its too late. Its all gonna be over soon, and noone will know we were here.

But that's not really true, is it?
There's always going to be someone who remembers us. It may be our family, our friends or maybe even a total stranger that you may have smiled at, walking down the street.
whatever the reason may be. We will be remembered.

Someone will notice when we're gone.
So, no matter what may have happened yesterday, and what happens tomorrow, we're here now, and noone can change that.

So go out there and do what you've always wanted to instead of just dreaming about it.
That's what i've decided.... Because, if I'm not here tomorrow, I'll be remembered for it....
It will be My Legacy.

Moments

Life isn't about how long you live, but HOW you live as long as you have.

And near the end of our lives, however long or short they may been, we tend to reflect on our past. recalling memories of happiness and sorrow, of triumph and defeat.

But you see, its not the whole event that we remember. Our lives are a culmination of Moments. Moments of emotions so powerful, that even the hand of God couldn't take them away from us.

This past week I lost  an old friend.

A friend who, once, was like a brother to me.

And then my most recent friends parted for their new lives.

At first i thought, "Ah! that's okay. We'll meet again. And soon too. So, no problem. Don't worry."

but now, it's all sinking in.

It's like I'd been in a head-on collision with a freight train, but didn't feel the pain because of shock and the adrenaline in my veins.

but now the adrenaline's wearing off, n I'm slowly coming back to my senses.

senses that tell me I've just been hit BY A FREAKIN' TRAIN.

I can feel the pain growing.

but that's not the worst part.

the worst part is, that i know that my friends are out there somewhere. Somewhere where i can't be. and they're feeling the same, or even worse, maybe.

Parting with friends feels like what I imagine it is to lose family. It's like falling into a bottomless pit.

No one's ever scared of falling because they'll hit the ground. Its the falling.

I know I have a habit of hiding my emotions. I can't tell you how many times that's gotten me into trouble.

and i'm sorry if i've let you think otherwise. But, I DO MISS YOU.

ALL OF YOU. 

First the Kingdom of Bahrain, then my 12th Grade class, and now waffles and Radhe and in a few days the rest of the people i call family will all be on their own paths.

I hope and pray that all our paths meet, more than just once in our lifetimes.

You'll always be a part of my life.The Moments I'll remember many years from now.

I Thank You all for being a part of my life. for making every day that much brighter. For making me smile when i was sad and for crying with me when you couldn't.

So,

Osama Mohammed Anwar, Namratha Bharadwaj, Rajesh Sasisekharan Nair, Ishwarya Lakshmanaraman, Abhinaya Lakshmanaraman, Romita Theresa Martin, Rohan Mario Martin, Tanu Alexander, Dileep Warrior, Mohammed Kamal, Anshul Swarup Arora, Dhruv Kant Arora, Manoj George Mathew, Mary Ann Mathew, Nadira Siddiq, Jithin Rameshan (R.I.P), Nobia Parker, Deepu Varghese, Nithin Mathew Thomas, Puja Puthran, Sandhya Mehra, Chandni Gajaria, Sunil Raghunath Bharadwaj, Nikita Philip, Ann Rachel Jacob, Henisha Soni, Brigit Thomas, Joseph "Joe" Pereira, Ronnie Alex, T.K. Alexander, Anand S., Aby Mathew, Rohan Thomas Mathew, Aby John, Stanley "Stan" Jes Varghese, Jerry Jacob Varghese, Lakshmi R., Neethu G., Jithin "J.J." John, Parvathi "Paru" Diwakar, Rithvik R. Nair, Anand L. Nair, Goutham K.B., Vijeesh V., Nitin K.N., Abhilash K., Partha Pratim Roy, Rabindra Bikram Sah, Pehraj Kaur, Sumit Gunjan, Nikhil Jain, Raj Bahadur Singh, Steffi Vinod, Ravneet Kaur, Vivian Marandi,  Jeykumar N., Maansi Malhotra, Anisa Panjvani, Abhimanyu Nehra, Rahul Goyal, Ruchi Nagpal, Arushi Sharma, Inderjit Singh, Diwakar Kumar Mishra, K.V. Smitha, Radhika Singh, Ritasha Gupta, Sumeet Sinha, etc etc etc (in order of occurence in the book of my life)

I miss you guys

P.S. I'll make sure that if they make a movie about my life, the trailer features all you guys.

n maybe Osama n Mohammed can write n edit the script, Anshul produce the picture Sandy'll sing, Sunil Lead Guitar, Joe the Rapper n my bro's the DJ. AND if they pay enough Ritz n Radhe can do an item number ;)

Farewell !!!

Four years have passed and we hardly felt them go by.
i did though.
mostly because i spent most of these past 4 years cursing myself for coming here while i could've been in a hundred other places. where, i believe, that i'd have been happier and better off.

but to be honest, when i sit down n think about it, i will miss this place, AND the people i've come to know in my time here.

my first 12-14 months will be by far my most memorable.
i met a couple of crazy guys, just like me. met a girl, crushed on her, got my heart broken, bonded with my brothers in crime, built a couple of robots, one of which sucked n the one which was too good for its own good. then i fell in love with the most amazing girl i've known. went home after a long 3 years, partied like a rock star. got into fights n then came back. that's when things started changing. some for the better, but mostly for the worse.

its been a while since then. n a lot of things have changed.
n this may not be the way i'd like things to be.
but for what it's worth, as long as i live those memories will forever be etched into the deepest recesses my mind.

goodbye class of '07. i'll miss you.