To No One

 For the best part of the last 15 years, I've been a typical young adult. Making mistakes, getting into more trouble than I should, and having my heart broken, all on multiple occasions.

I talked recently about how until only a few months ago I couldn't have seen myself try any harder to move on from the agonizing pain I'd been feeling. And although I might, in some way want to attribute that pain to other people, I now think that there's no point. because at the end of it all, it's My life, and my choices and decisions should dictate what happens next.

It doesn't matter who left, who said what, or who did what. What matters more is how I handled it, accepted it, and moved forward with my life.

And I can tell you now, that I didn't deal with any of it very well. In fact, I didn't deal with it at all.

I just let it all stew in a giant pot waiting for it to boil over or just dissolve me in my entirety. If anyone out there reading this can relate. Seek help. reach out to the people who will listen and who are willing to help.

I made the mistake of hanging on to all of it till it overwhelmed me, and then confided in what I'd now say was the absolute worst set of people I could've gone to.

After all this, there were the constant second-guessing, anxiety, and feelings of dread. The degree to which one feels loneliness is in itself heartbreaking. 

I trusted no one, and yet I kept looking for answers, seeking validation.

I say all this now because Although I'm aware that my struggles are not done with, not by a long shot. I now see a light at the end of the tunnel. And honestly, I don't care if it's daylight or a train. I'm getting out.

I say this now because I will find the strength again to take a few risks, learn more, and truly live life. And that I'll fall in love with my best friend, again. but this time it'll be better. because I've seen how I needed to work on myself first in order to be able to give more to another. 

And over the past decade I've realised that from that first day onwards, I will give her my all, Love her like she deserves to be loved, and not let any of my struggles get in the way of building an empire together.