Nineteen Monkeys

Over the years, I've learnt that there aren't really that many people you would actually die for. And honestly, there isn't a single person on this earth I'd die for.

That's the truth, plain and simple.

I simply don't understand the logic behind taking your own life for someone else's sake.

I mean, what's the point? How is you dying going to make someone else happy? that too someone else to whom you mean as much as they mean to you?

On the contrary, wouldn't it just cause them pain n grief?

I didn't always think this way though. there was a time when I actually would've died for "someone"
All that changed when i realized that if they're better off without you around, there is no point shooting yourself in the face.

Now, I'm not saying that no one's worth it. that's not true. Well, not always. I for example consider my family to be above everyone else. And when I say family, I don't mean just the individuals I'm blood-related to.

By Family, I mean those people without whom I'd feel like I had a hole the size of the moon in my heart.

And Exactly Nineteen Years ago, today. An idiot was plonked onto planet earth at some hospital of which I do not know the name.

I remember the first time i saw my brother. I thought he looked strangely familiar to a monkey. (Don't ask me, I was 4).
I even asked my mother where she got "the monkey" from.. And obviously, she just sat there laughing, along with my grandparents and probably every nurse and doctor in the hospital building.

Anyway. Nineteen years on, that "Monkey" has grown up to be the young man most envy. I for one, am proud of my little brother.

Problem is, I just realized he isn't really little anymore.

I'm Sorry.

There was a time in my life when I felt nothing. A time, at which I was my weakest.


I had become so numb, maybe even heartless??

I even went to the extent of trying, actually making myself feel pain, sometimes physical, almost always psychological. Since the latter seems to have no boundaries when it comes to the extent of pain it can cause one to feel.

I believed that pain was the only feeling I could feel. And that my tiny stupid heart had been damaged so badly that it couldn’t feel anything else.

Feeling pain, physical or psychological, made me feel alive. Made me feel like I wasn’t just a living breathing bag of flesh and bones. As if I actually lived and not merely existed as a miniscule, irrelevant entity on this planet.

I cannot express how much you mean to me. I simply cannot. Though I may not have to.

I want you to understand that “there is no way I would let go of you” not unless YOU wanted me to from every bit of your heart.

And PLEASE do not think about disappointing me. That simply isn’t possible. The ONLY thing that can break my heart is you falling in love with another man. But in that case I cannot be cross with you. It is what your heart desires, and I have no right to force you to think otherwise.

I’m sorry that I’ve made you cry. And that I’ve made you angry (li’l bit). And maybe just smile a little with tears in your eyes when u read the “li’l bit”. MAYBE.

I’m sorry for all the times I’ve said stupid things and for all the times that I may say stupid things in the future.

I’m sorry that I cannot be there to hold you and that I cannot promise you I will be there tomorrow.

However, what I am NOT sorry for, and never EVER will be sorry for, is falling in love with YOU.

You may not think of yourself as much, that’s alright. One day you’ll see yourself through my eyes and you will see How Beautiful you are, How Amazing you are, and how simply PERFECT you are.

Thought of the Moment

Right this moment, before you finish reading this line, what do you reckon is the one most prominent thought on your mind?

To me, it could be a bunch os different things.

It could be the fact that I've been writing again, after over a month of absolute literary silence.

It couls be, thoughts of the one girl that ripped my world out from right underneath my feet.

OR, it could be this little bit of smokey, bubbly ecstasy I've got in front of me.

But, you know what, it's none of those things.

It isn't even the thought of this beautiful, and I mean absa-freakin-loutely BEAUTIFUL girl I see at work ever day.

What I had on my mind, were thoughts of home.

Not the place where Dad's built a house at n Mom's busy in the kitchen.

When I say home, I mean that wooden table on an iron frame that I'd hang out at with my brothers.

Just us, some sheesha, kirkire, a couple of club sandwiches and the topic of the day, which could range from football, to formula1 to some random chic we'd seen walkin down the street with some "Lucky Bastard!"

However we start the day, it always ends the same way. With two questions.

1) Who da fuck is paying?

And

2) What time tomorrow?

THAT, is home.

Just us brothers, some sheesha, kirkire and a couple of club sandwiches.

My Greatest Fear

What is your greatest fear?

Yes, its true that we always have an answer whenever we're asked that.

But how accurate is that answer?

I mean do you really fear spiders that much?

Ask yourselves, what do you really, REALLY fear the most?

I know what I fear the most. Just realised what it was.

My Greatest Fear, is being forgotten. To have not existed.

There was a time I wished I were forgotten, to be invisible and stay that way. But now, its my worst nightmare.

I think maybe that's why I decided to start writing. Because that way, no matter who walks into my life and how they walk out of my life, Someone, Somewhere will know my story. Someone, Somewhere will always, ALWAYS remember.

So, for those of you who have left, for those of you who have forgotten. Those of you, to whom I never existed.

I DON'T CARE.

I could breathe before you. and blood. Flowed through my veins before you

And now, after you're gone. I'll still breathe.

True, It may be difficult for a while. And I may need a heart-lung machine.

We all have to go through such a phase, at least once during our lives, albeit for different reasons.

But hey, Fear and Pain-not the physical kind, probably the two feelings that make us truly human.

They remind us that we aren't invincible and that we aren't the Masters of the Universe. It reminds us of our place as tiny fragile beings.

Obituary

Every story has an ending. Some have happy one. But some of the greatest, end tragically. Well, maybe not always. But more often than not.

I am, like every one of you reading this, a mere human. I have my limits. If you trip me, I'll stumble, and maybe even fall. If you stab me, I'll bleed.

And when we see the end nearing, we done one from a handful of things. Run and hide, take it as it comes, or maybe bring help.

The end, however, is inevitable. And no amout of preparation, no thickness of armour, will ever be enough.

A writer cannot write without a muse.

A writer cannot exist without a muse. And this writer refuses to find another muse.

I may manage without my muse. But I made a promise, a promise I still wish to keep. But, if things go on like this, it'll be a promise I will be unable to keep.

I cannot put anyone through any sort of pain. Not at least, for ME.

I'm sorry, but that's the way I was raised.

I don't need to be fixed. I don't WaNT to be fixed.

Therefore, today a story ends. And a good man, or a part of him is dead.

R. Is Dead!

Because I Don't Know How Not to

How far would you go for someone?

What is the last thing you'd like to do before taking your last breath?

Ever ask yourselves these questions?

Well I've been asking myself just that all day.

Actually, all day for a few days now.

And I've decided that Although somethings do not change, and probably never will, I know I must let go.

Because one day, many many years from now (if I'm around that long), I'll think of these last 3-6 months and cherish them as probably the best of my life.

BUT, when you think of them, you'll wish they were 30-40 YEARS instead. Because no matter what you think, or say or believe, I love you More than anyone has ever loved a girl.

But this doesn't matter anymore.

I'm just a boy, in love with a girl, hoping, praying and begging her to love him back.

No wait, I WAS that.

You're the BEST thing that's ever happened to me.

You're the BEST part of my life.

Umm. No. Those don't sound right either.

Right now, I wish I'd never met you. NOT because I don't love you. But because I DO. And I don't know how to stop.

But you know what? Every person I've met after I've met you, has been worth meeting.

And yeah, I know. Some primitive brains cannot understand what my simple yet expressive words convey.

So now, I'm ripping my heart (or at least what's left of it) out of my chest. And now I'll either be that person you, and all those before you believe I really am. At least that way, no one will ever call me fake.

Either I'll be that, or I won't be at all.

Not to you anyway.

Train on the Tracks

There are a few of us that can "read" people. i mean the ability exists in everyone to some extent. how esle would you explain how we make friends?

But these few have a heightened version of this ability. This means they can "read" people, everything rom behaviour to habits to what the future might hold for the two of them.
It's not assuming. just deduction based on observation.

It therefore is easy for them to decide what to do for whom. how someone may be helped and how their worries may be taken care of.

I think I'm one of them. I THINK.
But instead of staying away from those i should. I Stay. I Stay and put every effort into being the perfect person possible for them. Be the support they need to sort out whatever they need to. Be there to catch them when they fall. And i know that just saying this makes me look like I'm pretending. Preteding to be this "nice"
Right now, even I think i may be fake.

But all in all, Whether I can read people and see what's coming. or even, If I'm fake, The simple truth is

When you're standing on the tracks, It doesnt matter whether you see the train coming, or whether you're an Elephant. OR that you're pretending to be an elephant.

When the train hits you.
It Hurts!

A Dream

Ten years from now, when you're walking down the street, and you look beside you, what do you expect to see?

Twenty years from now, when you come home, do you open the front door? Or will there be someone there to open it for you?

Forty/Fifty years from now, when you wake up, and you get that feeling. that "Today will be my last" feeling. What's the last thing you'd like to do? Who's the last person you'd like to see before the day ends?

Think about it. Just think about it for a moment or two. And then let go of the thought. Because right now, It's not really Important.

Having goals and aspirations is fine, but spending every waking moment trying to make your dreams come true may not necessarily be a good thing. We tend to lose ourselves in the pursuit of a dream. A dream that sometimes, must stay a dream.

We musn't dwell on the past. much as we musnt push too hard to make a dream, Real.

As someone once said, "The past, is History, The future, a Mystery"

I'd like to add that "Sometimes, A dream, is just that, A Dream."

Those That Remember

What is Life all about? At the end of a long life, what do we use to decide whether or not it's been a life worth living?

I don't think it's the 8-digit Bank balance, or the line of cars outside the 23-bedroom mansion, by the beach. I believe it's the company we've kept.

In other words, the quality of our lives can be gauged by the quality of those that remember (or forget) us when we're no more.

And by these standards, I know, already, that My life will have been one of those worth living. I have amazing parents, a kickass brother, a bunch of crazy friends who'd gladly rip out a kidney for me (and for whom i'd do the same). And a Girl, THE Girl, Who'll love me (And in a few years, our kids), forever.

We fight, all of us. We fight so much it's like wolves fighting over deer. But what's more important is that after a fight, we always, ALWAYS, make up.

Simply because, Although it may sometimes be difficult to live with them, SOMETIMES!.
It's Definitely Impossible to live WITHOUT them.

That makes them My whole world. and She, is the centre of my universe.

They, are My Family.

A beautiful Mind

My days are incomplete, my nights, sleepless. Some people would call me crazy. Others, a fake. I am the way I am because of the way i think. Everything I do, or say, I imagine, or picture saying or doing first. I picture what would happen, from the most obvious to the worst possible scenario.

Either way, whatever does happen, isn't really much of a surprise.

I'm a realist, I understand the concept of probability of occurance.

The problem with a overactive Imagination is, Although it helps me figure out what to do when I'm in a bit of a pickle, I sometimes cannot stop it from reminding me of things i do NOT want to think about. The kind of stuff I have nightmares of.

It's hard knowing this, but the simple truth is:
This Beautiful mind is just as much a curse as it is a blessing.

Impressions

First Impressions form the basis, the foundations of all our relationships with the people we meet during the course of our lives. The first impression has a lasting effect . An impression, that's not necessarily the Best Impression. we are ALL Judgemental. Each to a different extent, but all in all, Judgemental.

The first time we see someone, we form a mental image of what they're like. And the rest of the time we know them, we compare what they actually are, to what WE think they are. which, isn't really a good thing. We are what we are, what WE choose to be, defined by OUR actions and by the decisions WE make. I mean, How would you like it if you were compared to someone? That too, to yourself? or atleast an idea of what you are?

Everyone in Judgemental, Also Everyone is unique. So every time someone Judges you. or compares you to someone, tell them this.

"I am me. DO NOT insult me by comparing me to someone else, OR to what YOU think I am."

The Love of My Life

One fine day she just waltzed into my life. And a life lacking in colour she painted red, blue, purple, violet and yellow. she turned every morning from then on a morning worth waking up to.

She is my muse, my inspiration, my critic and my best friend. and from that day on till today and till forever, I will never be the same as I was before she came into my life. And honestly, I don't want to be. EVER!

I hope and pray that every man is as lucky as I am.

No Wait! NO! You're MINE. And I am the luckiest man in the world. because YOU are the Love of My Life.

FM 101

There comes a point in everyone's life when we decide, "That's enough. i'm not taking anymore of this Bullshit"
And its a very important point in our lives.

To some, it comes when we first leave home and have a hard time adjusting, coping with the outside world, without the protection of our parents. To some others it comes when we're having another miserable day at work. and then there's the time when Everything seems to be going wrong.

But. Is everything going wrong??
Or is it just one thing, ONE, small, But significant event, that shakes our whole world, so much so that it seems like we're no longer in tune with the universe. Like when you're listening to your favourite radio station playing your favourite song and it suddenly goes out of tune. No matter how hard you try and how long you sit there moving the tuning knobs with German levels precision you simply cant seem to find it again. And then the whole day you feel like something's missing.

But what we need to understand, is that Maybe, it isn't the problem with the Radio.
Maybe the radio station is experiencing technical problems.

In other words, Sometimes it isn't because You aren't ready for the world, It's because the world isn't ready for You. So, calm down, nothing's wrong, just give it time. you know what frequency your favourite station broadcasts at. Tune in, and wait for the idiots at the station to fix it.

Hayati

Most if not all of us spend a significant part of out lives searching for something or the other.
to some it's fame, to others it's power, to others still, it's both.
But, more often than not, when we get there, we realize that something's missing. that all this fame, fortune, and power is of no value, except materialistic. Because what we were actually looking for is peace of mind. or at least a source, that helps you find that peace.

We humans are social beings, living by ourselves, cutting ourselves off from the rest of the world simply isn't possible. And those who were stupid enough to try, have lost their minds, or worse still, their lives.

Quite simply, we're ALWAYS going to need at least One other person that matters most.
whose opinions and criticism have a greater influence on our behaviour, our habits and our lives in general, an influence greater than any religious text, of rulebook.

That one person, who can turn a train wreck of a day into one that's Just Perfect with nothing more than a smile.

Thank you Hayati :)

Saturn V

Normally, when you meet someone you like, there are a few sparks, then the long telephone conversations, and with time it all fades away.

And Normally, we’re not really bothered, because it doesn’t really matter that the sparks are missing now. And that we don’t argue over who hangs up first.

But then there’s that ONE person you meet, just the one in a whole life time.

From the first, “Hello. How are you?” it feels like Firework on the 4^th of Julys.

Every day just seems better. And waking up to another day to spend with them makes even the uninteresting parts of the day seem like a suspense thriller. With a double twist at the end of the movie.

Then one day, be in a week later or a year later, the fireworks seem to die down.

Everything seems to be going back to “normal”. All feelings and emotions are back within their normal spectral range and it feels like the magic seems to be fading.

Some of us give up at this stage, thinking what we had was just that. And there’s nothing more that can happen.

Others panic and try and keep “the magic” alive and do just about anything that seems to help.

But what they don’t understand is that, that first stage. That Magical place of euphoria, was just the beginning. The start to a LONG and healthy relationship.

The first stage, Falling in love.

It feels like Stage I of a Saturn V rocket.

It’s powerful. It all happens so quickly that everything seems to go by in a flash.

It’s both exciting and terrifying at the same time.

And it’s inexplicable. No words can express how or what you’re feeling.

But you realize that it’s just SO EASY to feel this way.

Now, getting back to my point,

The Beginning is like Stage I of a Saturn V rocket.

And instead of panicking and trying to keep it going. Or Jumping off because you think the main event is over. Maybe you should try n relax, sit back.

The thing about The Saturn V, is that it is the Tallest, Heaviest and Most Powerful rocket Ever.

And it was designed to do one thing better than all the others.

Take Man to The Moon.

And that’s exactly where I’m headed.
Or to be more precise, where We're headed.

The Source of Our Strength

I remember, When I was little, I'd follow my mother around like a little puppy chasing a beetle in the garden.

To me she was my favourite celebrity, my cook, my maid, my teacher, a Diva, and The Terminator all rolled into one.
and honestly, she still is.
and I'm sure you all think of your mothers the same way.

It's weird, and yet so simple how everything we men do is somehow, either directly or indirectly linked to a woman.
Be it the grades you get to show mother and make her proud, the times you'd get the coolest gadgets n the nicest cars to impress a pretty girl OR the times you'd get down on your hands and knees and pretend to be a horse so your little princess could ride on your back and be the crazy cowgirl from the wild west.

It's always a woman that can makes our day. no matter how bad it's going, mom's cooking, a sister's silly questions, a daughter's simple cuteness is all we need to light up like a million Christmas trees.

the question is, What are WE doing to show them how much it means to us that they're here for us?
WHY do we take them for granted and simply assume that any kind of behaviour from our parts is acceptable and that mom shouldn't get upset when you talk back at her?

Now, I'm one of those who finds expressing feelings and emotions especially difficult, writing is the only way i can.
And every once in a while i ask myself if i have treated the women in my life well.

No one said that we should be loved unconditionally by our mothers, sisters, wives and daughters, But we are. despite our many MANY flaws, the women in our lives will always stand by us and not once hesitate in doing so.

Make sure you'll do the same without a second thought.

Women's Day is right around the corner. So, I have a suggestion.
This next week.

Take your Mothers out dancing.
Buy your Sisters a new doll and get some ice cream just for the two of you.
Come home early to your wives and just spend some time together.

Do it in your own way. But show them that you love them. And don't wait for a special occasion.

The Women in our lives have been our spines when we couldn't stand up straight.

We men are genetically programmed to say "i will not cry" and "i will be strong"
We often forget the source of our strength lies in the ones dearest to us.

So, go be the best Sons, Brothers, Husbands and Fathers.

A New Book

Who sets the rules??
Who decides what's right and what's wrong?
and who decides what we're allowed to dream of and what we're allowed to hope for?
all our lives we're told what to do.
Or rather, what not to do.

Why is it that we keep going back to the past instead of moving on?

Forgetting what's happened isn't just difficult, it simply isn't possible. And Honestly, is just plain stupid.
our past experiences define us. they teach us lessons no book, no teacher can.

We can learn about everyone else. That's not really the problem now is it?
It's ourselves that we need to figure out first.

The thing is, sometimes, while we're writing the story of our lives, we're going to get stuck.
and sometimes a generous amount of elbow grease just isn't going to be enough.
you're going to need a chainsaw, and maybe chop off an arm and a leg.
and obviously, that's going to hurt.

So. my question is. Do you risk going through all that pain?
Or do you take your time, accept that there's nothing you can do and then move on?

Dream big. Hope and pray for those dreams to come true. But, prepare for them to be shattered.

The optimist will say it'll happen, no matter what.
The pessimist, there's no way i can do that.
The realist, stop dreaming and work hard. And MAYBE that'll get you there
I say tell them this, "Get the fuck out of my way"

I know where I've been and you know where you've been.
so now what we should do, is decide where we want to go.
instead of letting the universe decide for us.

And remember. sometimes just writing a new chapter in the book of your life isn't enough.
you need to put that book on the top shelf, and start a New Book.

Butterfly

Caterpillars are one of those creatures that just about everyone would call ugly.
Some of them slimy green, some with spikes and “eyes” and then there are those that can give you an itch that’ll make you think twice about touching another plant.
Caterpillars are the outcasts of the animal Kingdom. I mean you know where a Lion or a kangaroo or a tarantula would go. They all have they’re place.
Either they’re dangerous, or cute, or strong.
What about the caterpillar. Who spends all day munching on it’s favourite food and doing absolutely nothing else?
Well there is the occasional stroll across the garden path to get to another plant.
The thing is, not all caterpillars are what they seem.
Some stay caterpillars, some morph into moths and then there are some that turn into butterflies.
Like the pretty yellow ones we’ve all chased when we were little.
Or like the Blue Morpho Butterfly or the various species of Glasswing – known to be among the most beautiful butterflies known to man.
And almost all of them started of their lives as the ugly caterpillar munching on a leaf.
I’m sure you didn’t need to get this far to know I was going to get to the butterflies and I’m sure you have an idea of where im going with this.
Either way, my point is.
We’re always going to come across people who judge us by what we have done or whom we have been. And we’re always going to find people in our lives that have histories we may not be very fond of.
BUT, we owe them the benefit of the doubt. To be completely non-judgmental.
To accept anything and everything about them, and their pasts.
All I’m saying is STOP looking at the caterpillar and running away.
Stay for a while, watch, learn, pay attention.
You never know. That caterpillar may turn into a butterfly.
And if you’re there when it does.
You won’t have to go chasing after it for the rest of your life

Anomaly

I always have something to say. No matter how unexpected or difficult the situation may be, I Always have something to say. Something a listener can take seriously and that makes complete sense.

But now, all of a sudden, my theories, the bulletproof logic, the reasons and the ideas all just fling themselves out the window. It's as if they know that NOTHING can explain this.

And every time I try and say something. Every time I try and express myself, it comes out wrong. In my head I know what I mean. But, for some reason I cannot find the right words to convey the idea as I've thought it up.

The simple truth is. There are no words that I can use to express what I feel when it comes to you. It just is. I Love You with all my heart. I Don't Have a reason. I Don't Need a reason. And I Don't Want a reason.

You are the Anomaly, the one aspect of my life that I simply Cannot explain. There are no reasons, and there is no logical explanation.
And Honestly, it doesn't matter.
Because, the way it is, however it is.
It's just perfect!

My Muse

We all need something to believe in. Something that makes us feel like no matter WHAT happens. no matter how bad things may get. It'll be okay. That one day you'll wake up and everything will be just Perfect.

I KNOW I've made LOADS of mistakes. and i mean LOADS. just about every decision i;ve made has turned out to be the wrong one. from academics to relationships to what colour T-Shirt to wear.

I sometimes find it Difficult to express myself. to be able to even BE the way i want to be. and it's not anyone's fault. I can blame bad breakups, ill health, and a dysfunctional family for as long as I want. but in the end it's MY responsibility. I have to deal with whatever happens in my life. Good, Bad or Ridiculously Insane.

The few People that actually KNOW me will say that I've been through a lot. I say well, Maybe.
The thing is. I lost my way. I faltered, I tripped and I fell. and from where I was standing, it was a BIG fall.

Then, one fine day, out of the blue, this wonderful person just comes Waltzing into my life and says to me "Don't worry, We'll heal each other" and i thought "well I think she's crazy, because NO ONE can fix me" but as is every other thing between me and her. SHE WON.

So here I am, Three Months and Two Weeks later, not worrying about a single thing. Because I KNOW, that It'll all be just fine. And there's not a thing in the world that can stop me from getting where I want to be.

Right now I know What I want. HOW I'm going to get there I have No idea. But I know I'll get there. Because I Have the single most amazing source of motivation anyone could ask for. I have a supporter, a critic, and the BEST friend EVER, All in one. :)
And also. having her around, just makes me better, in every imaginable, tangible, explicable way. and even those ways that can't be explained. I'm never Going to say that I was this and I was that because I had/have her. I do not HAVE her. she isn't property. She, is My Better HALF. and always will be.


I am the Writer
She, is My Muse.