Chasing Starlight

I haven't been around on this blue marble for very long. But, perhaps I've been around long enough to know a thing or two about how the world works.

These are strange times. There's no doubt about that. And there's a chance that some of it if not most will do irreversible damage to what's left of humanity. Or at least the version of it we've come to know. 

What's obvious to me now is that something must be done. Change isn't just inevitable. but the right kind of change is necessary. That being said, It's also true that we aren't really in a position to change anything for the better if all we do is keep fighting over trivial matters and distracting ourselves with meaningless distractions.

In a time of near-utter chaos, there must be the realization that growth only comes through discomfort, and that shying away from the fear of the unknown isn't a solution. 

Now there's more to this particular quote that caught my attention recently, but the gist of the matter is that hard times lead to the creation of stronger individuals. Those that are most likely to herald the coming of a new age where society as a whole will see progress.

Now, of course, this process is on its own a tedious one. And it won't come easy. The truth is that we've become a tad too soft, and as a result set ourselves up for failure. Evolution and survival of the fittest are no longer valid mechanisms that guarantee the perpetuation of the human race. Or at least it's no longer obvious.

Even then I believe that the strife that those individuals destined to bring the rest of us out of this pit will be worth it. And some may even have to be dragged kicking and screaming. But, Perhaps it's necessary. For there to be light after darkness, a match must be lit. Even the photons that reach us from the sun take up to 100,000 years to reach the surface of our star. But only take 8 minutes from there to reach our blue skies so that life may continue as it has for millions of years.

We know not what we have. But what we should know is that whatever we have must not be squandered.

Healing Wounds

An untreated wound of any kind is often the underlying cause of a lot of unnecessary suffering. Injuries can often cause us to shy away from seizing opportunities that have great potential, or completely turn away from trying anything new and for the first time. Strange considering how our ancestors likely never had 2 days that were similar in any way.

Untreated wounds may heal on their own, then again, they may fester, get worse and cause more pain than they should've in the first place.Wounds, physical or otherwise, can be a cause for concern. But the general idea of how to deal with one is that it'll be treated. And treated correctly. Sadly, we don't always do what we're supposed to.

A lot of the time we tend to ignore the little things, the smaller injuries, we tell ourselves that it's okay and that it'll take care of itself over time. And over time, we start to treat bigger problems the same way too.

Now, I may not be a medical doctor, or a trained psychologist. But sometimes I do feel like I have had enough experience with pain to have an opinion on what one might do. Perhaps someone that reads this will find some use for the information gathered from my decisions.

Its gotten to a point where I understand why treating injuries and wounds, physical or non-physical, is important and mustn't be taken for granted. I'd leave a little infected papercut to fester long enough that the entire arm needs to be amputated instead of just getting a band aid and some antiseptics and then maybe medication if it didn't help.

The point I'm trying to make is that a wound left untreated can, and will cause so much more pain than its supposed to.

But one that is treated properly and with the right care will heal, and the scars it leaves behind will fade. 

A Mirror

Children are often a reflection of the grownups around them. They don't always take our advice or listen to what they're told to do (or not do). But they do follow the examples set for them.

I sometimes get nervous around young children. Having none of my own and not knowing if I'd be setting a decent example for them. I've felt like being a responsible adult is easier around other adults than it is when being around the littlest children.

I Recently spoke with this toddler and something happened that I can't say I've ever felt before. My heart melted like butter in a hot pan. It felt like a bear imprinting on a young cub. 

I know now that I must do everything I can to make this world a better place. Make sure that theres something good to look forward to and that there still is wonder in this world for when they're grown up. 

It may not be in my story that I have little ones of my own. But if I did I'd try and have them be as carefree, happy and beautiful as this little munchkin. I see that there's been a good example set for them. And I'm not surprised, I've known the tree that this apples fallen from for more than half my life. 

You and I haven't met yet little one. But when we do I hope that I'm able to set the right examples for you. Until then, I pray for you to always have that twinkle in your eye. 

A sky of gold

We have an interesting perception of the sky, don't we? We've heard phrases like, "The Sky's the limit". But there's Oh so much more beyond the sky. So much that the sheer scale is simply incomprehensible to most of us

When we're asked what color the sky is we say, "It's Blue". But that's not entirely true now, is it?

The sky is Blue, But it's also dark, And usually, about twice a day it's what I find most similar to gold.

And even the dark night sky isn't really dark, just clear so we can see what's beyond the limits of the sky.

Perhaps the sky is the aptest example of the fact that there isn't really a limit. Always just room for growth, and improvement, to push further and travel farther. 

And that despite what popular opinion might state, that there are always endless possibilities. I suppose this applies to us individually and in society. 

Even those times of the day when the sky turns to gold. Even that, is special, A sign of change. Like curtains being drawn at the beginning and end of each show. thousands if not millions flock to sunrise and sunset points to catch that glimpse of the sun when it feels like it's not hell-bent on scorching the earth. 

A gold sky has captured imaginations and been romanticized for millennia. and will be for many more. And even if it all is still just an illusion that's alright. One day we'll break free and explore frontiers most of our ancestors didn't know existed. 

All I ask is that just like we recognize that the sky is not the limit and that we should at least dare to reach for the stars, However outlandish it may seem. Because you never know. 

Prisoner of my past

 What is it about the past that seems to hold me tied to it? It's as if I'm being held captive, a prisoner in my own mind.

It's been better recently for sure. I feel this sense of freedom. This fog I'm in the midst of is more like home. No longer do I cower at the thought of the dangers that lie within. Now I enjoy the fog. taking the few steps ahead. Watch my pace so I don't end up running myself off the road, for there's only so much ahead that I can see.

It's better this way. The future is uncertain. always has been. Only now have I learned that my only responsibility is to do things right, and to do the right things. for myself and for those that I hold dear.

One day I hope to bring to you all the broken pieces of me. To tell you all the stories, all the secrets of each piece and each cracked pane.

Maybe some of this has been penance for a past life or perhaps even for a future one. 

Everyone goes through something that changes us. Of course, this may be to varying degrees and it may be in different directions. Sometimes, especially if it's one of those things that feels like something's snapped on the inside. We talk about it, seek help and over time, move on while living with it. 

If only I'd learned this earlier.

I wish I'd learned that it's not just the heartbreak that causes pain. But more so the aftermath. Like mourning a loved one. Only, unlike in the event of their passing, we have this hope that the hundreds of questions spinning around like a tornado have to be answered. That we deserve "closure".

I know now that all this only anchors us in place. And if you're a sailboat like me, being anchored at sea. with not the slightest hint of a breeze isn't the best solution to the problem of running out of potable water.

With all that I carry around, I'm still sure that I'm headed the right way. I have my sight set on that distant snowcapped mountain, the summit hidden by dense fog. And although the climb may be backbreaking. I'm sure it'll be worth it all. 

The air will be clearer, and the noises will have faded away, And the view... What I would give to be able to set eyes on you.

Break the Cycle

 I've always tried to apply logic in everyday life. Of course, I'd ignore what the logic dictated my decision should be. Instead, ignoring red flags and seeing things, situations, and people with the, "I'll fix it" attitude.

Time and hindsight have taught me that the world owes me nothing. And that my role on this blue marble we call home, is to live my life, and mine alone. 

Over the past few years I'd come to believe that even IF I'd made it out of the hellhole I'd dug myself into, I'd probably end up having to go through the rest of my days by myself. Unable to trust another human being and unwilling to try. 

Making just a few minor changes has given me enough breathing room to be able to actually pay attention to what's around me. To see people for what they are unlike how I'd earlier have handled things, Not allow myself to romanticize every conversation. 

Let's be honest for a minute. Very rarely do we come across a person that we truly need. Often we tell ourselves that's the case, Only to find out that we were barely a footnote. Sometimes after a few weeks, and sometimes after years of pouring every ounce of love, respect, and affection into maintaining a healthy relationship.

I fail to understand how an individual can watch another go through so much debilitating pain and still subject them to more. How are we not more aware or even just a tiny bit more mindful? Why don't we ever see how being in their shoes would've annihilated us ages ago?

It boggles my mind because we often hear people talk about kindness and not spreading hate and being nice. And if memory serves me right, we were taught to see the good in everyone. But sometimes I wonder if there even is such a thing.

There has to be a way, Some way to break this endless loop. Now, I'm not claiming that life should be like a bed of roses. But maybe, just maybe, it can be a little better for us all.

To No One

 For the best part of the last 15 years, I've been a typical young adult. Making mistakes, getting into more trouble than I should, and having my heart broken, all on multiple occasions.

I talked recently about how until only a few months ago I couldn't have seen myself try any harder to move on from the agonizing pain I'd been feeling. And although I might, in some way want to attribute that pain to other people, I now think that there's no point. because at the end of it all, it's My life, and my choices and decisions should dictate what happens next.

It doesn't matter who left, who said what, or who did what. What matters more is how I handled it, accepted it, and moved forward with my life.

And I can tell you now, that I didn't deal with any of it very well. In fact, I didn't deal with it at all.

I just let it all stew in a giant pot waiting for it to boil over or just dissolve me in my entirety. If anyone out there reading this can relate. Seek help. reach out to the people who will listen and who are willing to help.

I made the mistake of hanging on to all of it till it overwhelmed me, and then confided in what I'd now say was the absolute worst set of people I could've gone to.

After all this, there were the constant second-guessing, anxiety, and feelings of dread. The degree to which one feels loneliness is in itself heartbreaking. 

I trusted no one, and yet I kept looking for answers, seeking validation.

I say all this now because Although I'm aware that my struggles are not done with, not by a long shot. I now see a light at the end of the tunnel. And honestly, I don't care if it's daylight or a train. I'm getting out.

I say this now because I will find the strength again to take a few risks, learn more, and truly live life. And that I'll fall in love with my best friend, again. but this time it'll be better. because I've seen how I needed to work on myself first in order to be able to give more to another. 

And over the past decade I've realised that from that first day onwards, I will give her my all, Love her like she deserves to be loved, and not let any of my struggles get in the way of building an empire together.

The better question

Sometimes I wonder what the point of all this is. 

I mean why search for purpose in this world? why bother? that too in a world that seems more chaotic and cruel than ever, at least in the past few decades. What's the point?

Only in the recent past have I discovered that it's not necessarily about finding purpose, but perhaps, the question we should be asking ourselves, is are we living our lives? And I mean truly Living it.

Not confined by restrictions and rules imposed on us by those around us, excluding the rule of law, of course. And free to decide what defines a better quality of life for us 

Years in the making

It's been a while since I've been on here. To tell any kind of story. I'm not even sure there's anyone listening at this point. Not that it was the reason I started. 

Expressing emotions, thoughts, and just plain talking about what's on my mind has always been something I've struggled with. And boy has it been a struggle. A great support system is a luxury and even just one person being around or at least choosing to be there when you need them is, sadly, not guaranteed, not by any means.

 A little over Eleven years ago, I was inspired to start writing things down. a journal, blog, call it whatever you want. Now I may not be as eloquent or articulate as I once was. and quite frankly, I may not even have the zest and zeal of a man over a decade younger. 

But in this time, A lot has happened, as I'm sure is the norm. Things change, Where we live may change, people enter and leave our lives- some sadly lost to illness, some to circumstance, and some just drift apart. either way, change seems to be the norm.

In all this time, Through every roadblock, heartbreak, Illness, and injury, I seem to have learned that there's more to life than what we seek. And yet it's all just simpler than I'd thought it would be. 

Through all those times I've had a handful of people around for it all. And one, maybe two that stand out. I genuinely do owe my sanity to them. If only things were a little different. And circumstances didn't add to the distance.

Maybe in another lifetime I've often thought. Now I think, perhaps, there's time in this one. 

Unsaid

 Too many times, I've chosen to leave things unsaid. Whether it was heartbreak or when feeling butterflies in my stomach. Too much has been left unsaid and fear has always kept me from even trying in the first place.

We're taught as younglings that kindness, generosity, empathy, etc. are virtues and morals that we must hold dear. That these are principles to live by. And yet, I look around and see that this world seems to barely give a crap. And the few half-decent human beings still trudging through the mud and filth are usually beaten down to within an inch of breaking point.

I used to wonder what it would be like if we were just a little bit kinder, to nature, each other, and the thousands if not millions of species of flora and fauna we share this blue marble with. Hell even being mindful would've sufficed.

Then a little while ago, when in a dark place I let myself think that there's no point, That this world is doomed and so is everyone in it. That our children will inherit a planet beyond repair and their children most likely will have nothing but piles of rubble to call home.

Honestly, I'd given up. And I didn't believe that recovering from such heartbreak was ever possible. Until that is, I heard a voice. A voice, that's been there all along, for longer than I can remember, egging me on. To take just one more step, To wake up in the morning to see just one more day. and then repeat the process till the pain starts to fade.

Of course, the pain is still there, but it doesn't take center stage in my life anymore. And unlike earlier, it likely won't ever again. 

Over the years I've learned that life teaches us lessons. That we can learn from in order to be better human beings. But that only happens as long as we're living life, and not merely spectating as it passes us by. 

I've learned that it's okay to hurt, for a while. And that it's okay, probably imperative, that we learn to let go. Only then can we make way for something new. Something worth fighting for. Something that cannot be left unsaid.

I say these things as a man who until recently was but a hollow shell of a man that was once fascinated by the world, who trusted in people, and knew how to love unconditionally. A man who broke and lost faith in all those principles he had believed in. A man in chronic pain.

Today though, I stand taller, stronger, and perhaps even sharper than ever. 

I admit, There's no way to tell how the next chapter of this story will go. The point is that there IS a next chapter.  And this time, I'd rather not leave anything unsaid.