One Reason

The world is a cruel place.
This is fact. This is the cold hard truth.
No question about it.
And we all know it to be true.

But, Everything we love and care for exists within this world.
Obviously, As always I was procrastinating and that procrastination eventually turned to pondering.

I came to the most cliche conclusion ever.
That we may have a thousand, ten thousand maybe even a million metaphorical reasons to give up on this cruel world.

I know because That's where I was.

I chose to cut off the rest of the world from what was my own little space. It wasn't necessarily a happy place, Well, not most of the time, but it was mine.
I gave zero fucks to what happened outside of that space and shot anyone who tried to get in. anyone who survived, was shot at again.

The plan was to go take a few risks trying to make it big. If it worked out, great I'd be a grumpy old man living in a big house by himself. And if it didn't all work out, I'd just be a grumpy old man living in a not so big house by himself.

My point is, I haven't been able to imagine  having or even wanting anyone to be part of what I imagine my future would look like. I figured I was destined to remain the lone wolf. And I'd come to accept that.

Didn't think I wanted more.

Then one day, everything changed.

Suddenly  I'm not so grumpy anymore. Everything seems to have more meaning than before.

And now I see what I hope to be a possible future, this time not alone. Atleast, I hope not.

These may be cliche lines and may sound corny. But here's the thing.

I nearly gave up on everything and everyone. I felt like I had no purpose and no reason to try and do anything or make something of myself.

Then I met, who is the love of my life and realized that I just need one, one single reason to get out of bed every day and be grateful that i didn't slip away into the next life in my sleep.

One reason is all you need to keep moving, and as long as you keep moving  you'll get somewhere.

Today, you are that reason to me. I hope that one day  I get to be yours.

Home to You

Here I am, sitting at an airport terminal, sipping coffee, sleep deprived and tired af.

I look out the window to see what looks like unusually good weather for this city. But my mind wanders to the same place ever few seconds.

I didn't think I was capable of feeling this way. I didn't know I could miss someone so much it almost hurt physically.

Makes me think of what might be in the near future.

Makes me hope that I get to travel to places WITH you and have those lil adventures, see new places, do new things, WITH you.

Reminds me that I am more today than I ever was, because of YOU.

I know what I must do now. I know, That I must be better.

More importantly, I know WHY.

Because at the end of the day, I'd like to come home to You.

And make you proud too. 

I Promise

Promises can be tricky things.

A promise kept can make someone's day, Build a bond that's set in stone or maybe even change someone's life.

A promise broken on the other hand, has the power to decimate one's soul.

Over the course of what is an infinitesimal time that I've spent on this blue dot in out solar system we all call home, I've learnt many lessons about making and keeping promises. Which is why I usually choose to not make any, for fear of being unable to keep them.

Recently though I've made a few promises. And I intend to, nay.. I WILL keep them. THAT is the answer to "How much?"

Although It may seem unconvincing at the time, I meant each one of those promises. And here, In front of the world I'd like to make them all again

I Promise, to respect you and your beliefs, without contest or judgement.

I Promise, to treat you then, like I do today, and only to be a better man with time.

I Promise, to carry the weight of the world, so that you don't always have to

I Promise, to walk right into the storm so you don't have to, not all by yourself

I Promise, to hold you when you need to be held.

I Promise, to love you when you need to be loved.

I Promise, to protect you, with my own life, if it comes to that.

but above all,

I Promise, to always, ALWAYS do right by you, even if it means training three monkeys and a puppy to rob a liquor store at 4am because we've run out of Rum.

Cherish

I've often said that I'm what they call, "Old School".

I believe that it's always going to be the little things that matter most.

What I had forgotten is that these, so called, little things matter a LOT more when you realize a few things.

Life messes with us all.
It's all one big lesson.
All those disappointments, regrets and heartbreaks culminate in preparing us for one singularity. One event that hits us so hard that we realize more than anything, that she gives you purpose. Of the million, billion of things wrong with this world, She is  the One aspect of your lives you would go through hell and back for.

Simply put, Every decision adds variables to the equation that is our lives, and SHE is the one constant you need to solve the damn equation.

I bring this up because I've remembered that the women in our lives are, and always will be the foundation and pillars of strength for everything we build.

We often forget to appreciate them for all they are and all they make us.
We forget that, as they are the source of our strength, WE must be the source of theirs.

I made a promise once. A promise to be kind and generous and to love unconditionally.

Today, Hayati I make that same Promise to you.

I will never, EVER forget how you smile and I promise to do everything in my power to keep you smiling.

I AM old school.

I believe that making her smile and cherishing her for everything she is, is worth a lot more than all the possessions in the world.

I believe that simply holding her for a few moments can lift the burden of all her sorrows. even if it's just for those few moments.

And I KNOW, that no matter what happens next. You, Hayati, will be the one singular reason I look forward to waking up every morning.

And yes, I realize that all this may seem corny and borderline cliche. But that really is what I believe.

Agony

Agony, is feeling this way and not knowing if  she sees it.

Agony, is seeing the pain in her eyes and wishing you could make it stop.

Agony, is patiently waiting with your heart in your hand only to realize it's your phone you're staring at.

Agony, is telling yourself it'll all be okay and knowing you'll have to go through hell and then some before it is.

Agony, is hearing your soul break in two each time she has to leave.

Agony, is wanting to kiss her softly not knowing if she'd kiss you back.

Agony, is Knowing you can make her smile but feeling like it's not your place to.

Agony, is the insomnia till you're sure she's okay and she's safe.

Happiness, is her fingers between yours, the sound of her voice and nothing else.

From this moment Forth

We all are capable of feeling a full range of emotions from what seems like an endless spectrum.

Of these one most of us dread is Pain.

I on the other hand believe that pain is an emotion that shapes us more than most other feelings.

Yes there's a lot of pain and suffering in the world.
Most of which are caused by individuals that are a disgrace to mankind as a collective.

But the hard truth is there will always be pain and suffering. Usually a lot more than we'd expect.

The point, I believe, like I've said oh so many times is that when we're old and grey we aren't going to remember every minute, every second of our lives. It's going to be more like match day highlights for Sunday night's game.

We'll remember a handful of moments we've had throughout our lives, each moment will trigger a series of memories to reminisce on.

These will remind us of every single life changing event or having met someone you could attribute the course of the remainder of your life to.

What matters in the end is whether all these moments end with a smile or with a heavy heart.

Now yes, I know, based on the title, all this looks like it's quite a bit out of context.

Here's my point.
I believe that I've reached a chapter in the book that will one day be my memoirs, that will , without a doubt, change every decision I will make from this moment forth.

The Good news, I may just make it afterall.

The bad news, pure Agony.

Carpe diem

I've just realised something. Something I've probably known all along though.

What I actually mean is that finally I've realized it's time to do something about it.

I've realised that just about all this while I've been doing nothing but whining about something or the other. Well atleast most recently anyway.

The point is, I've come to the conclusion that I need to shut up n deal with it. Simply because it's not me who has crap to deal with.

Lots of people have lots of problems. Some don't have any income, others don't have food on their tables or shelter over their heads. But they don't all sit n complain about it.

I've realised that it's a little juvenile to think the world has come to an end just because your old friends don't get you like they used to. Or just because your favourite team is bottom of the league. Our because your ex has moved on n so has the one before her while you're still "alone".

I'm not sure why I came up with this now,  but maybe it's just me coming to terms with the fact that the universe isn't controlled by a microchip that an alien race implanted inside my brain.

Once again, for the sake of providing some context, Let Me tell you a little secret.

Here's the thing. 
There's this girl (obviously) and she's got me smitten, floored, (okay I've run out of adjectives - clearly I'm not thinking straight anymore).

  
But i can't tell her what I think of her. Though chances are, she knows. 
I can't tell her because somewhere, somehow I think it's never gonna work.

I blame the fact that emotions don't come with an instruction manual that clearly tells you what to do/say and when to do/say whatever you're meant to do/say

The question now is, what next? 

Carpe giving diem, they said.