A sky of gold

We have an interesting perception of the sky, don't we? We've heard phrases like, "The Sky's the limit". But there's Oh so much more beyond the sky. So much that the sheer scale is simply incomprehensible to most of us

When we're asked what color the sky is we say, "It's Blue". But that's not entirely true now, is it?

The sky is Blue, But it's also dark, And usually, about twice a day it's what I find most similar to gold.

And even the dark night sky isn't really dark, just clear so we can see what's beyond the limits of the sky.

Perhaps the sky is the aptest example of the fact that there isn't really a limit. Always just room for growth, and improvement, to push further and travel farther. 

And that despite what popular opinion might state, that there are always endless possibilities. I suppose this applies to us individually and in society. 

Even those times of the day when the sky turns to gold. Even that, is special, A sign of change. Like curtains being drawn at the beginning and end of each show. thousands if not millions flock to sunrise and sunset points to catch that glimpse of the sun when it feels like it's not hell-bent on scorching the earth. 

A gold sky has captured imaginations and been romanticized for millennia. and will be for many more. And even if it all is still just an illusion that's alright. One day we'll break free and explore frontiers most of our ancestors didn't know existed. 

All I ask is that just like we recognize that the sky is not the limit and that we should at least dare to reach for the stars, However outlandish it may seem. Because you never know. 

Prisoner of my past

 What is it about the past that seems to hold me tied to it? It's as if I'm being held captive, a prisoner in my own mind.

It's been better recently for sure. I feel this sense of freedom. This fog I'm in the midst of is more like home. No longer do I cower at the thought of the dangers that lie within. Now I enjoy the fog. taking the few steps ahead. Watch my pace so I don't end up running myself off the road, for there's only so much ahead that I can see.

It's better this way. The future is uncertain. always has been. Only now have I learned that my only responsibility is to do things right, and to do the right things. for myself and for those that I hold dear.

One day I hope to bring to you all the broken pieces of me. To tell you all the stories, all the secrets of each piece and each cracked pane.

Maybe some of this has been penance for a past life or perhaps even for a future one. 

Everyone goes through something that changes us. Of course, this may be to varying degrees and it may be in different directions. Sometimes, especially if it's one of those things that feels like something's snapped on the inside. We talk about it, seek help and over time, move on while living with it. 

If only I'd learned this earlier.

I wish I'd learned that it's not just the heartbreak that causes pain. But more so the aftermath. Like mourning a loved one. Only, unlike in the event of their passing, we have this hope that the hundreds of questions spinning around like a tornado have to be answered. That we deserve "closure".

I know now that all this only anchors us in place. And if you're a sailboat like me, being anchored at sea. with not the slightest hint of a breeze isn't the best solution to the problem of running out of potable water.

With all that I carry around, I'm still sure that I'm headed the right way. I have my sight set on that distant snowcapped mountain, the summit hidden by dense fog. And although the climb may be backbreaking. I'm sure it'll be worth it all. 

The air will be clearer, and the noises will have faded away, And the view... What I would give to be able to set eyes on you.

Break the Cycle

 I've always tried to apply logic in everyday life. Of course, I'd ignore what the logic dictated my decision should be. Instead, ignoring red flags and seeing things, situations, and people with the, "I'll fix it" attitude.

Time and hindsight have taught me that the world owes me nothing. And that my role on this blue marble we call home, is to live my life, and mine alone. 

Over the past few years I'd come to believe that even IF I'd made it out of the hellhole I'd dug myself into, I'd probably end up having to go through the rest of my days by myself. Unable to trust another human being and unwilling to try. 

Making just a few minor changes has given me enough breathing room to be able to actually pay attention to what's around me. To see people for what they are unlike how I'd earlier have handled things, Not allow myself to romanticize every conversation. 

Let's be honest for a minute. Very rarely do we come across a person that we truly need. Often we tell ourselves that's the case, Only to find out that we were barely a footnote. Sometimes after a few weeks, and sometimes after years of pouring every ounce of love, respect, and affection into maintaining a healthy relationship.

I fail to understand how an individual can watch another go through so much debilitating pain and still subject them to more. How are we not more aware or even just a tiny bit more mindful? Why don't we ever see how being in their shoes would've annihilated us ages ago?

It boggles my mind because we often hear people talk about kindness and not spreading hate and being nice. And if memory serves me right, we were taught to see the good in everyone. But sometimes I wonder if there even is such a thing.

There has to be a way, Some way to break this endless loop. Now, I'm not claiming that life should be like a bed of roses. But maybe, just maybe, it can be a little better for us all.

To No One

 For the best part of the last 15 years, I've been a typical young adult. Making mistakes, getting into more trouble than I should, and having my heart broken, all on multiple occasions.

I talked recently about how until only a few months ago I couldn't have seen myself try any harder to move on from the agonizing pain I'd been feeling. And although I might, in some way want to attribute that pain to other people, I now think that there's no point. because at the end of it all, it's My life, and my choices and decisions should dictate what happens next.

It doesn't matter who left, who said what, or who did what. What matters more is how I handled it, accepted it, and moved forward with my life.

And I can tell you now, that I didn't deal with any of it very well. In fact, I didn't deal with it at all.

I just let it all stew in a giant pot waiting for it to boil over or just dissolve me in my entirety. If anyone out there reading this can relate. Seek help. reach out to the people who will listen and who are willing to help.

I made the mistake of hanging on to all of it till it overwhelmed me, and then confided in what I'd now say was the absolute worst set of people I could've gone to.

After all this, there were the constant second-guessing, anxiety, and feelings of dread. The degree to which one feels loneliness is in itself heartbreaking. 

I trusted no one, and yet I kept looking for answers, seeking validation.

I say all this now because Although I'm aware that my struggles are not done with, not by a long shot. I now see a light at the end of the tunnel. And honestly, I don't care if it's daylight or a train. I'm getting out.

I say this now because I will find the strength again to take a few risks, learn more, and truly live life. And that I'll fall in love with my best friend, again. but this time it'll be better. because I've seen how I needed to work on myself first in order to be able to give more to another. 

And over the past decade I've realised that from that first day onwards, I will give her my all, Love her like she deserves to be loved, and not let any of my struggles get in the way of building an empire together.