The better question

Sometimes I wonder what the point of all this is. 

I mean why search for purpose in this world? why bother? that too in a world that seems more chaotic and cruel than ever, at least in the past few decades. What's the point?

Only in the recent past have I discovered that it's not necessarily about finding purpose, but perhaps, the question we should be asking ourselves, is are we living our lives? And I mean truly Living it.

Not confined by restrictions and rules imposed on us by those around us, excluding the rule of law, of course. And free to decide what defines a better quality of life for us 

Years in the making

It's been a while since I've been on here. To tell any kind of story. I'm not even sure there's anyone listening at this point. Not that it was the reason I started. 

Expressing emotions, thoughts, and just plain talking about what's on my mind has always been something I've struggled with. And boy has it been a struggle. A great support system is a luxury and even just one person being around or at least choosing to be there when you need them is, sadly, not guaranteed, not by any means.

 A little over Eleven years ago, I was inspired to start writing things down. a journal, blog, call it whatever you want. Now I may not be as eloquent or articulate as I once was. and quite frankly, I may not even have the zest and zeal of a man over a decade younger. 

But in this time, A lot has happened, as I'm sure is the norm. Things change, Where we live may change, people enter and leave our lives- some sadly lost to illness, some to circumstance, and some just drift apart. either way, change seems to be the norm.

In all this time, Through every roadblock, heartbreak, Illness, and injury, I seem to have learned that there's more to life than what we seek. And yet it's all just simpler than I'd thought it would be. 

Through all those times I've had a handful of people around for it all. And one, maybe two that stand out. I genuinely do owe my sanity to them. If only things were a little different. And circumstances didn't add to the distance.

Maybe in another lifetime I've often thought. Now I think, perhaps, there's time in this one. 

Unsaid

 Too many times, I've chosen to leave things unsaid. Whether it was heartbreak or when feeling butterflies in my stomach. Too much has been left unsaid and fear has always kept me from even trying in the first place.

We're taught as younglings that kindness, generosity, empathy, etc. are virtues and morals that we must hold dear. That these are principles to live by. And yet, I look around and see that this world seems to barely give a crap. And the few half-decent human beings still trudging through the mud and filth are usually beaten down to within an inch of breaking point.

I used to wonder what it would be like if we were just a little bit kinder, to nature, each other, and the thousands if not millions of species of flora and fauna we share this blue marble with. Hell even being mindful would've sufficed.

Then a little while ago, when in a dark place I let myself think that there's no point, That this world is doomed and so is everyone in it. That our children will inherit a planet beyond repair and their children most likely will have nothing but piles of rubble to call home.

Honestly, I'd given up. And I didn't believe that recovering from such heartbreak was ever possible. Until that is, I heard a voice. A voice, that's been there all along, for longer than I can remember, egging me on. To take just one more step, To wake up in the morning to see just one more day. and then repeat the process till the pain starts to fade.

Of course, the pain is still there, but it doesn't take center stage in my life anymore. And unlike earlier, it likely won't ever again. 

Over the years I've learned that life teaches us lessons. That we can learn from in order to be better human beings. But that only happens as long as we're living life, and not merely spectating as it passes us by. 

I've learned that it's okay to hurt, for a while. And that it's okay, probably imperative, that we learn to let go. Only then can we make way for something new. Something worth fighting for. Something that cannot be left unsaid.

I say these things as a man who until recently was but a hollow shell of a man that was once fascinated by the world, who trusted in people, and knew how to love unconditionally. A man who broke and lost faith in all those principles he had believed in. A man in chronic pain.

Today though, I stand taller, stronger, and perhaps even sharper than ever. 

I admit, There's no way to tell how the next chapter of this story will go. The point is that there IS a next chapter.  And this time, I'd rather not leave anything unsaid.